Wednesday, May 25, 2011
formspring.me
You were saying?
http://formspring.me/rulelezz
- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -
a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 12:49 AM
"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
formspring.me
You were saying?
http://formspring.me/rulelezz
- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -
a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 7:37 PM
"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."
Monday, March 14, 2011
bow down for me
I've not written here for a long time again, I do realize that. But it comforts me to know that people will not come across this site (I could be wrong, again), and that my innermost thoughts can be projected onto this humble blog.
So, I'm once again at a crossroads. My current situation now is that I have essentially finished Sem 1.1 of Mass Comm year 1, and that my year 1 is officially over. We are now currently awaiting the 25th of March, 9am, when our Medsoc exam results and overall GPA will be released. I have no qualms about doing well,
I know I've done my work to the best of my ability, but still I have doubts and reservations about group projects and that ridiculous IS module that I never paid much attention in.
I only hope I can do well enough to continue having a place on the director's list, and maybe next year I can finally get the prestigious NP Scholarship. I hope, anyway. I do know I need to step up and be more...
out there, because frankly it upsets me to know that right now my grades are all right, but I'm not a high-flyer or an impact-maker. I'm being jostled around the crowd when all I want is to stand out of it... Sure, I've got blessed vocal chords but I still want to make my mark out there.
I wonder am I doing enough. I know I can do much more, but... as of right now, I'm just stuck here. I've never done official event hosting (much anyway) nor have I done anything officially related to radio, so I wonder how will I break into the industry if I've had no other qualities. This is depressing, but this is not what this post is about. Career, future, I can worry later.
For now, I'm in another emotional slump. I just watched a video about a guy who criticizes people who are self-dubbed FOREVER ALONE, and he tells them to love themselves and relax and not get so worked up over not having a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. And I start to wonder about myself. I know it may sound upsetting but sometimes I think that being in a relationship is worse than not being in one. I don't want to sound like I regret being attached now currently, nor do I want to sound like I don't appreciate my boyfriend and all that's he's done and said for/to me. It's just I realized I've deposited all my emotional investments in him, and I'm constantly disappointed when he's not talking to me because he's busy/sleepy/whatever or when he's giving his attention to someone else.
Wow, I'm a clingy and jealous bitch.
I wonder what'd it be like to be single again, to have free time to myself, to focus on topics that matter to you and not constantly shift to the person of desire and wonder how are they or what are they doing, to not worry about someone else constantly, to not have to spend on the other for whatever purposes, to just... be free.
... Sometimes I do regret going into a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't ready for one at all, given how insecure and emotionally turbulent I am, given how I have trust issues. And how I give him hell. All the time.
I love him. I really do. But perhaps this isn't the mature love that we all strive to have, following our parents' initial love when they had wedded. Perhaps I'm thinking too much and I'm just feeling sorry for myself again. It's not like I can help it (that's a fucking bullshit lie, Michelle) but I care too much for him and his feelings...
And look, I'm irritating him with my constant phone calls, my whiny bitching, my irrational tears, my impossible jealousy and disgusting face-picking habits. I sometimes wonder if he would be happier with someone else (who am I kidding, of course he would be) but I do honestly hope he is happy with me, even though I've proven myself to be a terrible girlfriend and a even worse person.
Wow, I have really low self-esteem. God I've just looked through what I wrote and shit I sound like a stupid 13-year-old teenager crying about how fat and ugly she is. How ridiculous is this shit.
I'm ignoring this terrible emotion right now and I'm going to channel all this energy instead into reading the newspaper and getting my mind wrapped around current affairs, which is at its worse now given the recent Japanese earthquake/tsunami, and the ongoing Libyan crises... God what is happening to the world?? Do we need this now? Really?
Sigh. I'm tired. I'm probably gonna read the paper then start on my new book (Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte) and then probably grab a quick nap.
This date now is the 14th of March and we start school again on the 18th of April. What will I do until then... Hm.
- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -
a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 4:59 PM
"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."
Friday, December 3, 2010
Target Market
December 3rd, almost a month since my last entry, and in this month you can say I discovered and learned quite a lot of things from various people - met, got to know and know for a while.
And I have to say, I'm pleased with what I've found... And disappointed with others.
Anyway, school-wise, apparently some of my worries have been unfounded. They were just measly worries that I have stirring in my mind quite often. My group mates are doing their part (not to the extent that I'd like but it's better than nothing), and it reduces the burden on my shoulders. Lucky me, I was really afraid they'd be uncooperative, but turns out they're good people.
Our project might actually be in the bag, provided they provide good research material, in the meantime I'll just focus on the individual aspects of our modules - common tests. Heavy weightage on our grades, goodness it's scary how fast and how cramped they're placed together. Hopefully it won't be hard... Well, it won't be as long as I study efficiently. Looks like I'm gonna be sacrificing sleep again like I've been these past few nights - 3 to 4 hours of sleep a day because I've been up studying for the Marcomm quiz (it really was easy if you studied!) and completing my gracomm assignments - logo and Bauhaus postcards.
I have developed a new appreciation for films and architecture now, after 6 weeks of this new semester. I gotta say, it's opened my eyes in new ways. I see the world and the media industry differently now... And there are some parts where I'm not very happy with, but... it's life. Hopefully we all don't become bitches in order to survive in a dog-eat-dog industry.
But anyway, onto more mentally-exhaustive and disappointing matters that I have to get off my chest otherwise I'd probably explode, but truly people's arrogance, cockiness and pessimism seriously piss me off, and disappoint me.
As what I've learnt from Tumblr - I AM DISAPPOINT. Very badly.
In Facebook recently there's this viral ad calling for everyone to change their display pictures to old school cartoon characters as a way to spread awareness about child abuse. But with every good intention and campaign there's always a few assholes who go around spoiling the good intention with their pretentious and snide attitude.
Long story short, basically two insensible
idiots bastards went to comment on my status that following this trend is of utter uselessness and if child abuse was really to be prevented, REAL action would have to be done instead of just changing your display pictures to cartoon characters. And they had the fucking balls to team up and laugh with their posh vocabulary about how ridiculous the whole idea was... And this was all on my wall.
I don't know how to feel but embarrassed and angry. VERY embarrassed and angry.
One, did you have to attack me because I chose to do it as I felt it was a good cause that deserved attention?
Two, did you have to laugh it up and believe that this viral campaign was a waste of time and the person who created this in the first place was hoping to spread awareness instead of being insecure and trying to gain more internet popularity?
Three, are you that pessimistic in life that you do not see the message as a way of spreading awareness about child abuse? Yes, maybe more can be done instead of just spreading awareness, but do you not realize that awareness is the key step before someone feels compelled to take action against child abuse? Or are you reading this right now thinking that it still is useless and you're still right despite me believing you're wrong in thinking so?
I figured. Fucking arrogance and ego is a disastrous disease in everyone. It's just very prevalent in some poor sods, hopefully it's not contagious.
I know I can't do much to make the world a better place, but if I can at least spread awareness in one way or another to help people, then I would gladly do so. I sometimes do not have the motivation, time, opportunity or money to really help people in need, but at least I have the intention to. Whatever little that can be done, I will do.
What the fuck have you done? You've just shot down a good cause with your atrocious mindset and your scathing words.
It just makes my blood boil that you do not believe in even trying to spread awareness, or even try to help in any way.
It upsets me that you two are my friends. You make me feel ashamed. Truly.
I have a good mind to call you up and scream at you but I don't want to waste my energy, and already this has drained my energy and fuck, I wanted to stay up and do my gracomm work. I'm supposed to print out everything this Sunday and I don't wish to see your putrid face.
Truly, I am angry, upset, embarrassed, ashamed and just pissed off.
I know people will not agree with my statement, especially the two people should they come across this chunk of angry bitching, but I have my reasons. And well, I'm trying to make a change as well, but I'm not doing so well.
Fuck. It's a Friday and it's about to end badly. Great. Just great. I despise people. I seriously, seriously despise people. But I will not let this get me down.
The world as ugly as it is beautiful.Like Jared Leto. Dear god I watched 30 Seconds to Mars's new video, Hurricane. GOD IT WAS HOT. Sinister, dark and a little repulsive (bondage, sex and all), but it was truly a work of art expressing the violence and sex in this world.
Jared Leto, you are a true visionary. I'd like to have sex with you, thank you. :3
- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -
a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 11:10 PM
"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Anything. Anything Everywhere.
Another month of neglecting this blog. Ho-hum, truly I really wish I could fuse Tumblr with Blogger and Facebook, it'd save me the hassle from updating everywhere what's happening. But I think people from my public chance across this site anymore, so my thoughts are quite safe. Even I rarely visit this place anymore.
But nevertheless, it feels great to be back in familiar surroundings. And now, onto EMO business.
I've been getting on people's nerves lately, people I love mostly. And it's not helping because I've been getting quite frustrated and angry easily as well. So it boils down to the other party and me landing ourselves in the "I'm not okay, you're not okay" life position I learnt from the TCP camp (awesome empowering camp that inspires you to be ready for the world). Luckily, they've been resolved, but I pray that it would not happen again, and if it does it would not be that same severe degree. I nearly lost someone, I actually walked out defiantly and could have had something terrible happen to me.
Gosh I need to keep my emotions and temper in check, otherwise I could end up doing something irrational and violent that I'd live to regret later on.
I scare myself sometimes. The things that I do out of impulse, the words I unleash in retaliation, the very hateful thoughts just boiling in my mind. I am just no longer the "good" kid I used to be huh? Study everyday, listen and respect people older than you, be modest and decent. Eh, I've grown up screwed.
Here I lie, doomed.
But putting all that aside now and delving into schoolwork, I fear to think I could have a very terrible semester lying in front of me as I go further into this new Mass Comm semester - 1.1, the freshmen HELL sem. Already 1.2 was slack and fun, and I hope the easygoing attitude I had doesn't spill over to this semester (I'm starting to see the signs though). Lucky for me I scored a GPA of 3.81 for the previous semester, earning me a place in the coveted Director's List. It's awesome, I can honestly tell you. I'm striving for another semester in the Director's List again this sem, as well as maybe topping one of the few core modules we have to take and being one of the top three in standard for Year Ones...
Ambitious, I know. But (selfishly) I fear for my own wellbeing because this semester is mostly group project-based. Groups chosen so early and expected to work together for the whole semester. I fear that I've landed myself in a foolish trap I could have avoided, and now I'm to work with a group for two modules, a group with classmates that I am NOT in the least bit close to, neither can I say I really know nor
actually have had a real conversation with. What the hell have I done, yeah? And the best news is I think they only chose me because they wanted to make use of me, and already one of them is (from my own honest opinion but pray tell I hope they were kidding when I talked to them) clueless of my existance in their group. Either that or they weren't listening, they weren't bothered with me or they weren't really paying attention and the tutorial slipped their mind when I questioned them about it.
It worries me that they won't drag their own weight or do their work properly, but given advice from best friends, I'll just have to do my best and put in a lot more effort on my part. I'm striving for success and that A (an AD if possible), and that place in the Director's List no less.
I just hope I don't break down or kill my group members later on in the semester.
Is it any wonder it's November and Christmas isn't so far away? Man, I am really not used to the poly schedule. It's messing with the regular schedule I'm used to.
- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -
a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 12:36 AM
"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."
Friday, October 15, 2010
Undisclosed Desires
Hello again, Blogger. It's been a long while.I want to keep this short and sweet. I'm in love. But my flaw is that I'm constantly worried, overthinking - this inferiority complex is dragging me down, destroying me. And it's been quite a while, and there's no reply. Where are you?I'm worried again. Please, please be okay.
"I know you suffered, but I don't want you to hide. It's cold and loveless, I won't let you be denied. Soothe me, I'll make you feel pure. Trust me, you can be sure. I want to reconcile the violence in your heart. I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask. I want to exorcise the demons from your past. I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart."
- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -
a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 11:32 PM
"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."
