MORBID mind :: The world is as ugly as it is beautiful.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

This Year... The Sequels Suck.

I can officially say that my Social Studies and Physics MYE paper is screwed.

I know the answers. Just... couldn't remember them.

And now I think I just pissed off my math tutor very badly.

If I fail / time-out for my A Maths, E Maths, Chemistry, History and Pure Literature... I'm gonna go shoot myself.

This year is so complicated... I think I am on the verge of dying / killing myself.

I'm on the verge of letting it all out
Just wanna scream, cry, let it all out
This anger and distress in me is getting a lot more worse

"You're either the person you are, or the person you're trying, trying, trying, trying to be. Don't let the outside sway too far from where you want to be."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 3:42 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Friday, April 25, 2008

You Look So Much Fucking Prettier With Your Scars

I should be feeling pretty happy that my advanced exams are gone... Especially Chinese... But right now I'm just feeling like plain fucking crap because of things I did, because of things I said... Because of listening.

Your life.
Your fucking life.
Your fucking PERFECT life!
Everything seems to be going so swell in your life but you'll NEVER be content.

THINK HAPPY FUCKING THOUGHTS!

I think I've had enough. Enough of everything.

My stress and pressure is just over the limit now. If it's not from the MYEs, it's my own personal problems, how I try to get involved in everything. Now I'm just getting myself into more deep shit. You guys wanted to know who I hate? Well,

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I always have. I always had.

I don't wanna wallow in self-pity. It's pathetic for someone like me, even more pathetic than I can ever sink to. Bitter, bloody depression. I wonder why I just can't stop. I always find a way to land and sink myself into a fucking mess that I desperately try to aviod.

Heh... I'm such a fucktard.

Asshole.

"So fuckin' blow those words out the back of your head, I've heard it all and I'm done with that shit, you tell me lies, and you get what you get, so blow those fuckin' words out the back of your head."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 4:07 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Now THAT'S Candy.

Wee~! Just got back from the Literature Seminar at St. Nick's and I must say, it was fun, fresh and totally beneficial. But we'll start from the not-so-fun.

Woke up at 6.20am, took my time to get ready and stuff, and I was so blur in the morning I put on a pair of different socks... They were both ankle socks, but they were of different design. Gahhh, gotta wake up gotta wake up. O__O

Anyway, met Zhi Qing at khatib MRT at 7.01 am, and soon the Literature students slowly came along, we were waiting for Dina and Crystal... As well as Ashton, who woke up late. In the end, went down to AMK McDonalds' to eat while waiting for Ashton.

We thought we were so bloody late, but turns out the lecturer was way later than us. She talked about ALOT of questions and structures that we'll desperately need in O Levels, so that worksheet is sacred. O__O All hail the worksheet that decides our fate.

After the 1hr 30min lecture, we had a half-hour break and we were standing up when I noticed way behind in the back row, was a group of guys. The third guy from the last seat WAS SO DAMN CUTE!!! His glossy, shiny hair was so emo-esque. He was just so cute and gorgeous and gahh~! ♥♥♥ I squealed. Like hell. Grabbed Zhi Qing to tell her about him, and she grabbed Charlotte to tell him about our lovely spotted emo-cutie.

Turns out he injured his leg and had to get support from a crutch. Then a guy said that was all for attention, well, if that cute guy was asking for attention with his hair and his crutch, HE DEFINITELY GOT SOME!!!

Zhi Qing. Charlotte. Me. ALL SMITTEN BY THAT ♥OH-SO-CUTE-EYECANDY♥.

Headed downstairs to have a snack, we were desperately waiting and squealing to the rest of the Lit students about him. Letting him be known to Azira... And she admitted he was cute as well. AHHH!!! ♥♥♥

So anyway, we finally spotted him climbing down the stairs with his crutch. We started teasing each other about going up to him to ask him for his number... Bump into him so we can shyly apologize and make it up to him. XD♥ Squee~

It went on a bit more with us trying to watch him from afar... And in the end it was all fun. He's so cute. And I was so blissful when he limped behind me to get to his SJI friends. Despite that, it was so cute!

EyecandyEyecandyEyecandyEyecandyEyecandy♥

Haha, even Mrs Rupesh was lecturing us not to go for the guys who were good-looking, in case we get together with them there'll be other jealous females eyeing the guy. XD

Absolute words of wisdom, Mrs Rupesh... But still, can't help but watch. ♥

Anyway, after the break, headed to another different seminar room for To Kill A Mockingbird literature seminars... The two presetations were great, but I barely knew what was going on because I foolishly did NOT read the book. How stupid of me... It's such a nice book. I'm making a swear I WILL read the book after my MYEs are over.

Sadly, Zhi Qing and I moaned when that cute guy didn't go to the same seminar as us... But it changed when we headed over to yet ANOTHER room to have A Midsummer's Night Dream lecture [first thing I noticed: the loads of students that's competing with us for O Level's] and we settled down.

The SECOND thing I noticed, AND LOVED, was that the cute guy that stood at the front of the room. HE'S THE LECTURER. Instantly told Zhi Qing, Azira and Charlotte and we started joking so much, like we listen intently and when it's Q&A-time, ask him loads of very thoughtful questions before asking him for his handphone number. XD Haha... But anyway... Moving on.

So he spoke into the mike. He had a very shy, soft voice that made my heart leap. But what he said was what made me feel very, very esctatic. "Hi, I'm C----- from SJI."

Soooooooooooooo, his name's C----. How sweet! EYECANDYC-----♥♥ Eeeeee!

He begun with a video focusing on the unrequited love between Helena and Demetrius, with pictures and captions... Which is very ironic because it's like we're Helena, infaturated with Demetrius, the very gorgeous guy C-----. We seriously like him... But he's too clueless to know about it... Haha... What an odd story.

Anyway... He talked about Literature stuff that we didn't exactly agree on, but nevertheless it was a good thing to think about. You know, for that entire time C----♥ was speaking, I HAVE NEVER PAID SO MUCH ATTENTION TO A LECTURE / GUY / LESSON LIKE THAT BEFORE. You don't know how much I listened intently to this guy... ♥

At the end, I wanted to ask so many questions so he would be notified of my presence and perhaps acknowledge me, but I didn't dare to... How embarassing it would be... It's almost like me throwing my voice across the room saying, "C-----, you're cute! What's your number?"

Hung around outside the seminar room to TRY to talk to him, only he came out with full company of an adult, and his SJI friends. So in the end, couldn't really question him about his lecture. Later near the stairs leading to the foyer, he was alone with his friend, and Charlotte kept pulling me [literally] to go talk to him...

Haha, it reminded me of a magazine I read. It revealed that this month, April, on 19th [TODAY] a cute guy would ask me for my number... Haha, now that I think about it, maybe I should have gone to talk to him about his lecture (make the first move) and who knows?

But it was ephemeral. We left the school and went off, constantly I was gushing about C-----... Hoping we would find C---- at AMK Hub... Haha, it drove Nazry, Elva and the rest insane.

We were wondering how to get back to AMK Hub, and in the end, we ended up walking through a small "park" with facilities and flowers that sort of looked like we were in the woods of AMSND... Only the more modern version of it. Haha, we were skipping around the woods, acting like we didn't care if we were in the wrong timestream.

How odd, yet hilarious.

Sigh~ In the end, we all went our separate ways and went home. But still, it was still a very good day with benefits and... EYECANDIES.

Haha... I eye EYECANDY C----. ♥♥♥ He's so cute... I hope I can see him again... XD

"Boy walking the spot he so fresh, and he got what he needs impressin'. Just look at the way that he dressin'. Ain't no question chicks like oh!"

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 3:03 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Friday, April 18, 2008

I Don't Wanna Make It, I Just Wanna...

Fridays are the most interesting days of the week...

Especially this week since next week's our Advanced Exams... Damn, I forgot... O___o

So anyway... The day started out nice and okay. It seemed like it was going to rain, but no clouds burst and it remained dry and cloudy throughout the whole day. Bonus one!

After school, followed Charlotte to go photocopy stuff. Loads and loads of stuff, after then met Hadassah and wrote down some nice words on a shirt [hint hint]. Then went for flag training.

Flag training was waaayyy crazy. Since Nicolette and Zhi Qing weren't around, did National flag with Charlotte for both Monday and other days scenarios. Chang Hee kept singing, which made me laugh like hell even when I'm supposed to concentrate. Then Nicolette came and did flag raising with her for thousands of times... [nearly died there]. I'm seriously starting to feel really confident about flag raising. Now all I gotta do is just adjust my tempo right and I'm all set.

Yayyyy!

Played Dare or Dare with Azira and Charlotte [we were all made to run around the second level of the school] and finally settled down to talk with Berton for about an hour. Then it was time to go for the debate. Along the way, we spotted a cute Caucasian guy cycling around the roadside and me and Charlotte were screaming inside the bus for his number (dude, he was sooo cute!) but hah... We lost him in the end. XD

Reached ACJC, and settled somewhere near the back row after wishing Nan Chiau High luck, and waited... and waited... Watched two grand final debates from the Division III and Division II parts and damn, I am freakishly scared of both debates... Seeing how they rolled out, gahh. Is this what we have to go through next year if we're in Division II? O__O

But still... CONGRATS TO CHARLOTTE, HADASSAH AND OMAR for a debate job well done. And to Azira & Nicolette as well. You guys were awesome.

Haha, had pizza and chicken wings for dinner [ all provided from Mrs Deven XD ]. Then walked the whole of the 400m track with Zi Peng, talking crap and stuff, even laughing about a stray ACJC netball that'll kill me if I do anything to it.

Hadassah gave Berton a shirt with our writings on it... Haha, it was sweet. Took pictures with the debaters and more loafing around before taking the bus back to school, not before stopping to get some drinks [originally we got them from 7-11, but we changed our minds and wanted Coffee Bean when we spotted a store nearby but the teachers didn't let us... Aw... D: ] We told a lot of lame, stupid jokes and other shit.

But in the end, everything was good and well. The day was generally fun and good, so it's great. And there'll be a Literature seminar tomorrow morning so yay, looking forward to that. So yeah, I guess that's it. And yes, this is the psychopatic killer that won't admit she is signing off. *stabs someone* OMAR IT'S NOT MY FAULT! (inside joke XD)

"I thought I took one step, I took two back. I'm not even close this time and thats a fact. All I know is that we'd be the perfect match. So where you at love? I just gotta find you, yeah."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 11:39 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I Hope You'll Be My Mister Anonymous...

Haha, I'm still procrastinating and slacking... :`D GAHHH I'VE GOT TO STOP!!!

SELF-DISCIPLINE
SELF-DISCIPLINE
SELF-DISCIPLINE
SELF-DISCIPLINE
SELF-DISCIPLINE
MUST HAVE SELF-DISCIPLINE!!!

Ergh... I wanted to get home early to study [by study: I mean read my notes and try to start memorizing and doing my homework...] but this isn't working is it? Sigh... The history SBQ test tomorrow looks really mean too... Gah compare & contrast... I gotta hit the books very, very soon or else I will definitely let myself down... Now I know what Charlie Shi Fu meant...

But besides that, I suddenly remembered a song I heard in a department store way back in December when I was in Bangkok... Anonymous by Bobby Valentino... And hearing it now... Refreshes my mind and everything I knew...

Wow... Now I wish I have my own Mr. Anonymous [Not a Miss like in the song, mind you]... :D

Haha...

Self-discipline
Self-discipline
Self-discipline
Self-discipline
Self-discipline
Self-discipline
Self-study
Self-learn
Self-discipline...

I wonder if I should lock myself in my room again like I did last year when I was last-minute cramming for my Sec 2 EOY exams... >___> Hm... "A good persuasion, therefore hear me, ~~Hermia~~ [Michelle]" DO IT!!!

Must. Go. Do. Homework. Now. And. Sleep. Early. Or. Will. Suffer. From. Illness. Like. Flu. AGAIN! O___O!!!??!one!!!??!!one1111?!!

"Then I see you when I close my eyes, we all on both times with the delay to sunlight. Everything I tried to tell you, I fell to 'maybe I'll tell you another time'. How you keeping me so free I get tied. Gotta strung all on me and aim me, oh never mind..."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 8:58 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Dirty Looks

Officially:

My E Maths test was ok.

My SS test was terrible [made wrong inference, wrong compare & contrast, wrong purpose...]

My lit test... No hope of passing with flying colours that I wanted... [wrote two incidents of amusement which ended up being an extension of the first incident, thus turthfully, I only wrote one]

I feel really, really depressed and down now.

And the fact that there's a Reader's Test tomorrow, a Vocab test on Wednesday, a History SBQ test on Thursday really don't make life any better.

Now, I feel like uber crap.

And I can't even remember details that I try so hard to. I forgotten something so important just like that and I JUST can't remember what it is now...

"All the pretty people died. Innocence is out of style. All the whores have gone away. Now there's nothing left for me..."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 7:27 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Friday, April 11, 2008

Shut Up And Weep

To Charlotte and Zhi Qing: Your bloody video

Firstly, to start it all off...

AHHHHH! my mouth is burning from that McSpicy!!! DDDDD`: [wahhh, shit, didn't think it be that spicy... ahhhhh]

Haha, okay moving on, just got back from the debate. And I must say, that was the MOST interesting debate I have ever seen in my entire life... Our debate team lost to Nan Chiau High School, but then again, it was an impromptu debate (with only one hour to prepare), despite that they came out strong and pretty confident.

Even though we lost, you guys are still winners, so CONGRADULATIONS TO HADASSAH, OMAR, CHARLOTTE, NICOLETTE AND AZIRA FOR A JOB WELL DONE!!! You guys are incredible... One hour and you guys came out strong and confident.

The third speaker of the Opposition was pretty intense. Very intense actually... He spoke with so much drama and flair, I ended up listening to the way he said his speech rather than listen to what he's saying. Dude... Even when the judge said: "By unanimous decision, the winer is the opposition"... The third speaker of the Opposition just screamed... My right ear was ringing with pain after that...

Ouch... Loud much?! Dammit man... And he even cried... In surprise, in joy or in shock, I have no idea. But he deserves it... He does captivate the audience with his style... Minus the screaming... And he was the first to scream, not his teammates, not his supporters, not his teachers - HIM.

Damn man, this guy's damn passionate about that debate. O___o His bowing to the audience was surpassing the 90 degree bow...

BEFORE ALL THAT DEBATE WAS FLAG RAISING:

Must say it went pretty funny, amusing and well. First we had a problem finding a radio (what happened to the council room radio?), then we realized the radio had batteries! :D Dead batteries with no more juice in 'em. Joel had to go outta school to get 3 pairs of Size D batteries before the thing finally worked.

The funniest thing while the others were training was that Kim Chye and I were playing with the radio controls. We toyed with the TONING, the BASS, the VOLUME... And we were desperate to try out what the BEAT meant (there was a button at the side of the radio)... But we were afriad the radio would explode or blow up in our faces if we tamper with the BEAT control...

Haha... The school song with no bass and low toning sounds so monotonous... I wonder what will it sound like over the PA system during flag-training. XD Haha... Had my flag-partner [Nicolette] stolen by two guys - Kim Chye and Joel... Grr.

In the end, trained with the flag three times. First two times speed was still quite slow. Third time I managed to get the flag to the top before the very last part of the song... Exactly where it should reach before the end of the song. So yay! I passed the "First Test", to which Andy told me "Good Job". :D :D :D d:Db \:D/ Yayness!

I'm starting to feel more confident about flag-raising. :D

BUT WAY BEFORE THAT WAS TERRIBLE:

Had my A Maths test & Situational writing test... The Situational writing test was alright, the format was okay... I wasn't so sure about the content though...

But A Maths was terrible. I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know how to do the last question [3 marks gone], I didn't expand one equation correctly [4 marks gone], and I think I used the wrong discriminant for one question [2 or 3 marks gone].

Wow... Officially (25 - 3 - 4 - 3) marks gone... = 15 marks left.

But it's definitely gonna be less than that... Shit man, I've definitely made a careless mistake somewhere... Resulting in more loss of marks. D`: -sobsobsobsob-

I have to improve. A LOT. My MYE's coming and I'm not doing so well. The Chemistry test? Pathetic. The Physics test? Don't even need to ponder what went wrong in it.

But there'll be tests on Monday...

E Maths Chapter 3&4 [linear inequalities & congruency/similarity]
SS Compare & Contrast [provenance: SOTD, content, tone/purpose] (don't be too general)
Literature EVERYTHING. Yes, EVERYTHING. Act I - III, + quotes and notes. Every single detail = IMPORTANT.

Woo... This is gonna be fun.

Better get going... Should be sleeping... Should be studying by tomorrow. MYE to me has never been this major before... Phew... This is gonna be bloody.

"Who walks among the famous living dead, drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed. And if you could talk to me, tell me if it's so, that all the good girls go to heaven... Well heaven knows."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 10:42 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Thursday, April 10, 2008

My Non-Existent, Ephemeral Romance In Oblivion

It's definitely safe to say that the MYE's are coming...

Coming very quickly at this speed. Days are long... But weeks are short... Oh-so-short... I should be revising / studying... But I feel too lazy to...

I should though, my knowledge for my subjects aren't doing so well...

But anyway... I should be checking up on my subjects...

# ENGLiSH - So far, so good. I can definitely improve though.

# CHiNESE - OH GODDD!!! -emosobsob- I seriously need help...

# E MaTHS - Everything is just going wrong... Chapter 4 & 5 to me is just going haywire... I barely can grasp the simplest of concepts... Argh.

# A MaTHS - Going smoothly. Just need more practice.

# CHEMiSTRY - Need to study harder... The recent chem test didn't go so well... I don't expect to get very good marks anymore.

# PHYSiCS - Mr Lim's so gonna kill us after he finishes marking our test. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I'm gonna fail , gonna fail, gonna fail...

# HiSTORY - The History lessons to me are all-over-the-place... But still, I'm able to understand it... I know what the swastika is now!

# SS - Need to start memorizing Chapter 3 & 4 notes... Word-for-word. Gotta check up on Compare & Contrast skills as well.

# LiTERATURE - I feel I am seriously not doing very well in this subject... Even when I opted for it in the first place. O__o I wanna improve... But I seriously don't know how to...

I have no idea how to get through this... I wonder will it be a breeze through like the last two years... Which I owe a tremondous amount of credit to luck that I made it here...

I've got to wake up and get going soon... I can't even think / see / concentrate right anymore.

The A Maths test and EL situational writing test tomorrow doesn't look that friendly tomorrow either.

I should be scared. I should be very scared.

"Can you breathe in, reach in, and let it out? The evil inside, that's eating you out, tonight. With every venomous move, I will suck you up and spit you. Get out of my life, get out of my sight!"

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 8:43 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Unhappy Crappy Happy Birthday To Me

It's Speech Day!

It's my Birthday!

It's so awesome!

And the best part is IT'S OVER!!! :D~~!! ... -____- D'oh.

Haha, despite that it was still a great day. Not exactly the best birthday in the world, but it's the best that I'll ever get. Speech Day was fun, except for the makeup and saying my lines about "RESPECTSSSsssssss". Now that was bad. But still, I had fun.

And I got my Bronze Principal Award! Heee! :D! I should be aiming for silver... It's too late for this year... But I should start next term, maybe next year then I can get it...

Speech Day started darn early... Like we had to assemble at 6.30... AM. I had to get up an hour earlier... When the principal and Guest-of-honour were giving out speeches, I was so sleepy... Plus me talking about respect is like ... crap.

Let's clarify this people, EVERYTHING I HAD SAID ONSTAGE ABOUT RESPECT DURING THE DRAMA PERFORMANCE WAS A LIE!!! It was all a LIE!!! So don't 'tekkan' me on Monday.

Heck I don't even respect MYSELF and they expect me to respect my parents, teachers and peers? Over my dead ass. And no, I DO NOT believe I am a respectful person. As if I'll ever be.

But you know what I hated? The fact that I had to put on makeup... DUDE EVEN THE "BASICS" MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FREAKING HOE! (in my opinion) and I had so much foundation put on me I looked so pale... and my lips? Smeared with dark red lipstick... During the Prize presentation, Sarah Huda (Spelling error?) taught me how to remove it... Thank God! I removed all of it in the end. Thank you so much, Sarah...

I don't do makeup. Ick.

But the biggest surprise was that the Drama Club sang Happy Birthday to me when I went back to the waiting room... Aw... You guys! You made me want to cry... and blush... But I was more weirded out so... yeah. O___o Thanks a lot though. Really.

And to Nazry and Zhi Qing, I'll try not to leave so often. We can talk about sex more often now! =O Gasp... Dood. Seriously, I can't believe you guys said that... O__O

Unhappy Crappy Happy Birthday to me then...

I'm finally 15!

"One last thing before I shuffle off the planet, I will be the one to make you crawl, so I came down to wish you an unhappy birthday, someone call the ambulance there’s gonna be an accident..."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 10:35 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Friday, April 4, 2008

We're Sick, Thank You

This week is definitely the oddest week of my life.

There was the most romantic and busiest weeks... And now there's the sickest.

EVERYONE IS FALLING ILL! And the virus has infected me as well. There's a sharp pain in my throat that stabs me like a blade almost everytime I swallow. Runny nose's cleared up thanks to medicine. Fever's gone down.

But onto the point that everyone's getting sick... My class has very, very few people with each passing day. The fact that we're sick, leaving early and going for Speech Day rehearsals as well... I heard our class dropped to 12 people on Thursday, with everyone going home due to illness or for Speech Day concert rehearsals...

Guys, this is getting worrying. Get well soon, kay? Next week's gonna be hell hectic. MYE's coming round the bend...

I've been battling the flu since Monday... And now it's just seriously deteriorating... MY THROAT PAIN IS KILLING ME!

Sincerest thank yous to the wonderful Joanne and Li Qing for the shoebox of presents. I really never expected it. And I love it. Thank you SO MUCH.

But I won't let this drag me down. Tomorrow, I will be 15.

I will have a good day.

I will perform well, even though everything I say will be a lie.

Tomorrow will be my birthday (and Speech Day!), and I won't cry like I used to.

5th APRIL 2008! I AWAIT!

"So now you know, don't hang up the phone. I wish I was at home. I know it's way too late, but happy birthday."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 10:37 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."