Just a few weeks of school and already I feel like I'm being ridiculed by other people (or maybe I myself am thinking too much and feeling paranoid until the point I hear voices in my head laughing and scoffing at me).

And I gotta say I am making slight progress. I no longer feel embarassed and ashamed that I lower my head and inwardly fume in silence. I find that I'm telling myself to old my head high and endure the shame and embarassment.

Sure they laugh.
So what?
That's all?
Just twisted, lowlife laughing at others' expense?
That's it?
Nothing else?
Yeah.
So fuck off
And fuck you.
I'll live. I always do.

And there's that other problem of feeling lowly about myself. Well, loving myself is rather tough. Acceptance doesn't come easy at all...

So it's a mental battle I'm fighting currently. And I'm really going to have to overcome all these negative thinking if I wanna be a better person...

But for now, I'm wailing over the Veterinary Technology Course over at TP. Why? Well. Cut-off point is 10, and the annual intake is 50 students.

That's a LOTTA competition I'm facing if I want that course... And I WANT that course.

I need to really get my life sorted out.

In the meantime, Happy Chinese Niu [*cow] (New) Year! :D

"So boycott love. Detox just to retox. I'd promise you anything for another shot at life. Imperfect boys with their perfect ploys. Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy. Little girl, you got me starry eyed. Or was that just a telescopic camera lie? Paying tolls in the highway truckstop stalls (of love). Lockless jails that deny my rules, rookies leave your badge and gun on the desk when you leave the room."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 5:59 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Before I blog in a while. I would like to quote somebody who is a friend and a fellow councillor, also my confidante and my second-IC of the councillor duty I'm IC of: Amanda Tan.

Because today, she said to me:

"How dumb can you get?!" - Amanda Tan, 13/1/09

Well, she had a very good reason to say that. I didn't study for the A Maths revision test that was given today. But I gotta say, I found it average, almost easy even. How nice, I'm suddenly confident of getting a good mark on that test. Though the Matrix and Coordinate Geometry part of the test got me worried. Nevertheless, lucky me. I DID IT! :D

But, Amanda, if you ever do see this, you should know: I can get very dumb at times. You just gotta be there when I am.

Other than that, I've been at war with myself and others at that dreaded subject of mine: Chinese. Apparently we get two tries to pass that damn subject... And when I'm in a foul mood, I'd wail and scream that if I fail the first time I swore I'd never go for the second, and when I'm in a rather pleasant mood, I'm all up for failure... even if I fail both. Cause frankly, I've seen a shit lot of F9s on my report card till the point I'm no longer surprised. If that's worrying, call me up. We can talk.

But as I really thought about it, I should just pack up my laziness and all taht negativitiy in me and just put in some effort. I really don't care or mind if I fail, least I just wanna see that I've done my best and tried my REAL hardest. That's when I can really smile when I see another F9.

EFFORT. EFFORT. EFFORT. I seriously need to put more of that into myself.

But in the meantime, Zhi Qing treated me and Charlotte to waffles at Northpoint. And we saw a chocolate dome-shaped cake... And that DOME-word became an obsession all of a sudden. Me and Charlotte were going all "DOME... DOME... DOME... DOME... DOMEEE..." even to fit the Rihanna's Disturbia tune.

Sighhh. We sure are stupid... : ]

"I'm a mascot for what you've become. And, oh, oh, I love the mayhem more than the love. And oh baby, when they made me they broke the mold. Girls used to follow me around when I got cold. Throw your cameras in the air, and wave 'em like you just don't care. I will never believe in anything again, I will never believe in anything again. Oh, change will come, oh."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 6:47 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Yesterday, I went to reborn the hair on the rest of my head.

I don't know why, just to make it straighter and less... frizzy-ish, I guess. WHY? DAMN YOU!! WHY?!

And now I seriously regret it.

And I can 100% say that was THE most STUPIDEST thing I've ever done. Now I freaking look weird, and though my hair is straight... I miss my old, insane, frizzy hairstyle. D':

Going to collect $250 bursary award later... And I'm dreading to go back to school tomorrow with this ... disastrous hairstyle. ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

"I did my time, and I want out! So effusive-fade! It doesn't cut, the soul is not so vibrant. The reckoning, the sickening. Packaging subversion. Pseudo-sacrosanct perversion. Go drill your deserts, go dig your graves! Then fill your mouth with all the money you will save. Sinking in, getting smaller again. I'M DONE! It has begun, I'm not the only one!"

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 11:10 AM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Before I comment about OPSS WEEK ZER0, DAY 0, I think I ought to fulfil the task from Zhi Qing's tag and do the quiz she posted up.

____________________________here we go.

1.The person who tagged you is?
Zhi Qing.

2.Your relationship with him/her?
Fellow Shoethrower. : ]

3.Your 5 impressions of him/her?
Eccentric, fun-loving, impulsive, bipolar, popular

4.The most memorable thing he/she had done for you.
She got me my husband [The Dark Knight DVD] for Christmas! :D

5.The most memorable thing they had said to you?
"WHAT?!" ... I don't know, she's said a lot of things I forgot.

7.If he/she becomes your lover, thing he/she has to improve on will be?
Her temper. Girl, coming as a friend (and lover in this question, how ... disgusting), you really gotta work on it.

8.If he/she become your enemy, you will?
Feel awkward, feel bad, but probably not do anything.

9. (Repeat Question) - I have no idea what this is...
Well, I don't give a damn about that, either.

10.What is it you want to tell her now?
WHY VALENTINE'S DAY!? WHY GO OUT THEN?! WHY SO SERIOUS RANDOM?! WHY?!

11.Your overall impression of her is?
She's... quite a person you'd really like to get to know. And you'll either hate her or love her, most people love her. Some [ZQ, you know whoooo XD] hate her.

12.How do you think ppl around you will feel about you?
They probably hate me, laugh at me behind my back. Call me a FREAK... But no matter, I'll learn to get used to it.

13.The characters you love of yourself are?
I don't love myself. And I don't exactly hate myself either... But I don't know, people tell me I'm intelligent and funny. Whatev.

14.On the contrary,the characters you hate yourself are?
How 'bout everything?

15.The most ideal person you want to be is?
Gerard Way. With newly dyed red/pink hair and all [it's just so cute!]. He's just awesome and sweet.

16.For people that care and like you, say something to them.
You guys are awesome. Thanks for everything.

17.Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you.
1) Sarah
2) Praise
3) Zhi Qing
4) Azira
5) Ian
6) Nazry
7) Kenn
8) C [i know, i know...]
9) Ayu
10) Kian Hui
And screw, I'm not gonna do it.

18.Who is no. 6 having relationship with?
Nazry
His lovely girlfriend, Shereena. : ]

19. Is no. 9 a male or female?
Ayu
Female.

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
Kenn & Kian Hui
O__O What a funny-looking gay couple. NO, THAT BURN PEOPLE'S EYES!

21. What is no. 2 studying about
Praise
Whatever 4S3 is studying right now.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no. 3?
Zhi Qing
Just today, few hours ago.

23. What kind of music band does no. 8 like?
C.
I don't know...

24. Does no. 1 have any siblings?
Sarah.
No, she's an only child.

25.Will you woo no. 3?
Zhi Qing
... I will terminally slap you if you ask that again. NO. That's just fuxing wrong.

26. How about 7?
Kenn
Ew... No, sorry Kenn. That applies here too.

27. Is no. 4 single?
Azira
Yes, and I believe she likes it? Sorta anyway.

28. What is the surname of no. 5?
Ian
Tan... Tan-Jun.

29. What is a hobby of no. 10?
Kian Hui
Wearing cardboard boxes-turned-body armour. XD

30. Does no. 5 and 9 get along well?
Ian & Ayu
Sure they do! Both crazy, mad-talking councillors!

31. Where is no. 2 studying at?
Praise
OPSS. So's everybody here on this list.

32. Talk about something for no. 1.
Sarah
She's my beeeesssssstttttt frrrriiiiiieeeeeeennnnnnnndddddd. :D

33. Have you tried developing feelings for no. 8?
C.
!!!?!!! [This is a remarkable coincidence I swear] !!!!!! I'm trying to rid of those feelings actually.

34. Where does no. 9 live?
Ayu
Yishun... Right opposite the school.

35.What colour does no. 4 like?
Azira
She likes all the colours...

36.Are no. 1 and 5 best friends?
Sarah & Ian
Nooo, they're more of classmates than friends, really.

37. Does no. 1 have any pets?
Sarah
No, she doesn't. She would like to, though.

38. Is no. 2 the sexiest person in the world?
Praise
... I wouldn't think of her as sexy, just more of pretty. For someone else, she could be though. XD

39.What is no. 10 doing now?
Kian Hui
I don't know, he could be still at school.
____________________________

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm just thinking such a simple gesture can bring about so much complexity in my mind. Maybe I'm just overeacting and wondering too much because I'M JUST NOT OVER YOU YET.

Azira is right. Mixed signals people give will drive everyone nuts. Maybe your intention is just to smile at me [if it IS at ME] or was it just you happened to be talking and looking over at me (for a while?) and smiling so widely? Like I said, perhaps I am just thinking too much into this. Perhaps I am actually misreading all your actions and thinking it has something to do with me. I'm paranoid like that, and this has all just GOT to STOP.

I just urges to just yell at you so many things, call you up, inquire, demand. All those impulsive urges I suppress because I know it's just my mind leading me to believe we could be something when it's just nothing, my gut tells me it's NOTHING. Innocent nothing.

So why can't I stop, why can't I help getting these feelings?

Heck, I shouldn't be focusing on this. O LEVEL'S should be on my mind... Not lingering and confused feelings of infatuation and confusion that is unreal and just mere distractions... All these emotions, sick and twisted, but yet comforting and sickeningly bittersweet. Oh, how I wish I could find emotional numbness, and that'd put me back on track with my studies. I need to talk, to walk, to get my heart broken so I can just stay out of love's way...

Ew. How I recite such pitiful cries from my heart and my head... It's more tragic and melodramatic than Gothic poetry, and those are beautiful and heartbreaking, with black roses and death and all. Mine is more girly ranting and gross languorous fantasies of having someone to love and be loved back. Heck, I feel lucky and unlucky.

Well, I've been in this phase before. And sooner or later, he'll be wiped from my memory once all the stress strains on my mind. And thank goodness for that, thinking about him all the holiday was already stressful enough. I do a good job lying, don't I?

BUT ANYWAY, so today was the first day of school. Unofficially, come-to-school-for-fun-day. I'll never take 811 to school anymore, for... crowded bus reasons. And I must say, I am looking forward to, as well as dreading this year because of the big O, and because this is our last year. OUR LAST YEAR IN OPSS. I'm starting to feel the depression coming on. All those last 3 years whizzed by quite fast... Thanks to the awesome friends I made.

Mrs Rupesh mentally prepared us for what was coming, and the usual goals and rules were set. And ooh, my new duty is Latecoming... And I'm IC. At least this one, I can do. And it makes me wonder do people have enough faith and trust in me to actually do the things they wanted to do... Maybe I'm not as weak as I thought I am... Though THAT'S highly unlikely.

Hah, funny. I'm all hyped up for a second day of school... And tomorrow's Saturday. I guess Andy [OPSS] was right... You really do miss going to school and back to class... I know I will. I definitely will. First day, not too bad... Almost awesome I could say.

And one more thing before I go off... Mr Goh Chin Seng, I'm sorry to say this, but you don't make a very good Devil's Advocate (nice try though, but WE teens don't think like that).

"Wake up everyone. How can you sleep at a time like this? Unless the dreamer is the real you. Listen to your voice, the one that tells you to taste past the tip of your tongue. Leap and the net will appear. I don't wanna wake before the dream is over. I'm gonna make it mine. Yes, I... I known it. I'm gonna make it mine.Yes, I'll make it all mine."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 5:48 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

"I was terrified and would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile? So many kids but I only see you. And I don't think you notice me. Well I've seen your boyfriend and I don't think he treats you right, but that's none of my business is it?"

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 12:00 AM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

"Singing songs that make you slit your wrists,
It isn't that much fun..."

M N. 5th of the April. 17. Singapore. Female. Facebook. Tumblr.

Ex-Chongfu Primary. / Ex-CHAS.
Graduated Orchid Park Secondary:
Ex-Drama. Ex-Debater. Ex-Student Councillor. Ex-1A3-ian. Once-and-forever-2A3-ian. Ex-3A1-ian. Ex-PROUD-4A1-ian.

NGEE ANN FMS MCM [mass comm] T107/T102. RADIOHEATWAVE.COM Radio DJ. STAGE 52.

IN A RELATIONSHIP ♥

FYI, I quote a LOT of lyrics.

NOT emo, just tends to be more depressed than I'd like.
NOT a rocker, but loves to rock out.
NOT so sure i know who i am.
SUFFERS from Dermatillomania
a passionate LOVE for the colour RED
& PROUD TO BE A freak. Are you?

1. Love myself.
2. Self-Acceptance.
3. Eradicate insecurities.
4. Not to care.
5. Work hard in school.
6. Start over.
7. Take it slow.
8. Keep promises.
9. GPA >3.8 [yr 1.2,1.1,2.2,2.1,3.2]
10. To be MISERABLE and HAPPY.


"If it's not enough, try again. And again. Over and over again."

[[ WaNTS && WiSHES ]]

(1) Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
(2) 30STM - This Is War
(3) New Headphones
(4) Those new JEANS
(5) A Teenage Dream

Alex. :)♥ (my bumbling idiot)

HUTTSON My poopoo DOGGIE. ♥♥♥

BANDS :: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Placebo. Marilyn Manson. 30 Seconds to Mars. Avenged Sevenfold. Linkin Park. Gorillaz. The Blackout. The Academy Is... Fall Out Boy. Bullet For My Valentine. Before Their Eyes. Lady Gaga. Just to name a VERY few...

HEROES :: GERARD WAY. TDK Joker. Jared Leto. Brian Molko. Draco Malfoy. 2D. Gerard Way. ♥ XD

Dilemmas.
The conflict.
Inner conflict.
Prejudiced people.
BUGS.

2A3-ians ♥ We Rock. Like Hell.
3/4A1-ians Over speed limit :D
Shoethrowers ♥ FAMILY
Apphia! :D :D :D Hee.
Azira A-zi-zi-ziraaaa! ♥ xD
Elizabeth ♥!
Elva VaVa :D
Farhan
Gavin
Isabelle
Jessica :D :D :D
Joanne ♥ XD
Joel is a legend!
Kenn Ninjaboy :D
Keng Ying CUZZIN! :D
Li Qing :DDD!
Matin! :D So cuute!
Nazry BiTCH!♥
Pearlyn So cute. :D
Rui Shuin Mah Couzin :D
Safwah rocks hardcore! :D ♥
Samuel ... Moo. :D ♥
Sarah BestFriend WALRUS ♥♥♥
Sheereen :DDD She cool yo!
Shi Wei :D:D:D So rad!
Si Ying, Tan rroooccckksss. :]
Si Ying, Yeh :D
Su Min She rocks!
Su Yuan :]

"Well you can hide a lot about yourself,
But honey, what're you gonna do?
And you can sleep in a coffin,
But the past ain't through with you."

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Layout: x
Image: Beyrout

I'm nothing but a beautiful disaster,
Crying tears of blood and joy
Into this black void.
Oblivion;
It's the place to be.
Ephemeral Romance.
Will you come with me?




i want to be

BEAUTIFUL

inside