I've not written here for a long time again, I do realize that. But it comforts me to know that people will not come across this site (I could be wrong, again), and that my innermost thoughts can be projected onto this humble blog.

So, I'm once again at a crossroads. My current situation now is that I have essentially finished Sem 1.1 of Mass Comm year 1, and that my year 1 is officially over. We are now currently awaiting the 25th of March, 9am, when our Medsoc exam results and overall GPA will be released. I have no qualms about doing well, I know I've done my work to the best of my ability, but still I have doubts and reservations about group projects and that ridiculous IS module that I never paid much attention in.

I only hope I can do well enough to continue having a place on the director's list, and maybe next year I can finally get the prestigious NP Scholarship. I hope, anyway. I do know I need to step up and be more... out there, because frankly it upsets me to know that right now my grades are all right, but I'm not a high-flyer or an impact-maker. I'm being jostled around the crowd when all I want is to stand out of it... Sure, I've got blessed vocal chords but I still want to make my mark out there.

I wonder am I doing enough. I know I can do much more, but... as of right now, I'm just stuck here. I've never done official event hosting (much anyway) nor have I done anything officially related to radio, so I wonder how will I break into the industry if I've had no other qualities. This is depressing, but this is not what this post is about. Career, future, I can worry later.

For now, I'm in another emotional slump. I just watched a video about a guy who criticizes people who are self-dubbed FOREVER ALONE, and he tells them to love themselves and relax and not get so worked up over not having a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. And I start to wonder about myself. I know it may sound upsetting but sometimes I think that being in a relationship is worse than not being in one. I don't want to sound like I regret being attached now currently, nor do I want to sound like I don't appreciate my boyfriend and all that's he's done and said for/to me. It's just I realized I've deposited all my emotional investments in him, and I'm constantly disappointed when he's not talking to me because he's busy/sleepy/whatever or when he's giving his attention to someone else.

Wow, I'm a clingy and jealous bitch.

I wonder what'd it be like to be single again, to have free time to myself, to focus on topics that matter to you and not constantly shift to the person of desire and wonder how are they or what are they doing, to not worry about someone else constantly, to not have to spend on the other for whatever purposes, to just... be free.

... Sometimes I do regret going into a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't ready for one at all, given how insecure and emotionally turbulent I am, given how I have trust issues. And how I give him hell. All the time.

I love him. I really do. But perhaps this isn't the mature love that we all strive to have, following our parents' initial love when they had wedded. Perhaps I'm thinking too much and I'm just feeling sorry for myself again. It's not like I can help it (that's a fucking bullshit lie, Michelle) but I care too much for him and his feelings...

And look, I'm irritating him with my constant phone calls, my whiny bitching, my irrational tears, my impossible jealousy and disgusting face-picking habits. I sometimes wonder if he would be happier with someone else (who am I kidding, of course he would be) but I do honestly hope he is happy with me, even though I've proven myself to be a terrible girlfriend and a even worse person.

Wow, I have really low self-esteem. God I've just looked through what I wrote and shit I sound like a stupid 13-year-old teenager crying about how fat and ugly she is. How ridiculous is this shit.

I'm ignoring this terrible emotion right now and I'm going to channel all this energy instead into reading the newspaper and getting my mind wrapped around current affairs, which is at its worse now given the recent Japanese earthquake/tsunami, and the ongoing Libyan crises... God what is happening to the world?? Do we need this now? Really?

Sigh. I'm tired. I'm probably gonna read the paper then start on my new book (Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte) and then probably grab a quick nap.

This date now is the 14th of March and we start school again on the 18th of April. What will I do until then... Hm.

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 4:59 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

"Singing songs that make you slit your wrists,
It isn't that much fun..."

M N. 5th of the April. 17. Singapore. Female. Facebook. Tumblr.

Ex-Chongfu Primary. / Ex-CHAS.
Graduated Orchid Park Secondary:
Ex-Drama. Ex-Debater. Ex-Student Councillor. Ex-1A3-ian. Once-and-forever-2A3-ian. Ex-3A1-ian. Ex-PROUD-4A1-ian.

NGEE ANN FMS MCM [mass comm] T107/T102. RADIOHEATWAVE.COM Radio DJ. STAGE 52.

IN A RELATIONSHIP ♥

FYI, I quote a LOT of lyrics.

NOT emo, just tends to be more depressed than I'd like.
NOT a rocker, but loves to rock out.
NOT so sure i know who i am.
SUFFERS from Dermatillomania
a passionate LOVE for the colour RED
& PROUD TO BE A freak. Are you?

1. Love myself.
2. Self-Acceptance.
3. Eradicate insecurities.
4. Not to care.
5. Work hard in school.
6. Start over.
7. Take it slow.
8. Keep promises.
9. GPA >3.8 [yr 1.2,1.1,2.2,2.1,3.2]
10. To be MISERABLE and HAPPY.


"If it's not enough, try again. And again. Over and over again."

[[ WaNTS && WiSHES ]]

(1) Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
(2) 30STM - This Is War
(3) New Headphones
(4) Those new JEANS
(5) A Teenage Dream

Alex. :)♥ (my bumbling idiot)

HUTTSON My poopoo DOGGIE. ♥♥♥

BANDS :: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Placebo. Marilyn Manson. 30 Seconds to Mars. Avenged Sevenfold. Linkin Park. Gorillaz. The Blackout. The Academy Is... Fall Out Boy. Bullet For My Valentine. Before Their Eyes. Lady Gaga. Just to name a VERY few...

HEROES :: GERARD WAY. TDK Joker. Jared Leto. Brian Molko. Draco Malfoy. 2D. Gerard Way. ♥ XD

Dilemmas.
The conflict.
Inner conflict.
Prejudiced people.
BUGS.

2A3-ians ♥ We Rock. Like Hell.
3/4A1-ians Over speed limit :D
Shoethrowers ♥ FAMILY
Apphia! :D :D :D Hee.
Azira A-zi-zi-ziraaaa! ♥ xD
Elizabeth ♥!
Elva VaVa :D
Farhan
Gavin
Isabelle
Jessica :D :D :D
Joanne ♥ XD
Joel is a legend!
Kenn Ninjaboy :D
Keng Ying CUZZIN! :D
Li Qing :DDD!
Matin! :D So cuute!
Nazry BiTCH!♥
Pearlyn So cute. :D
Rui Shuin Mah Couzin :D
Safwah rocks hardcore! :D ♥
Samuel ... Moo. :D ♥
Sarah BestFriend WALRUS ♥♥♥
Sheereen :DDD She cool yo!
Shi Wei :D:D:D So rad!
Si Ying, Tan rroooccckksss. :]
Si Ying, Yeh :D
Su Min She rocks!
Su Yuan :]

"Well you can hide a lot about yourself,
But honey, what're you gonna do?
And you can sleep in a coffin,
But the past ain't through with you."

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Image: Beyrout

I'm nothing but a beautiful disaster,
Crying tears of blood and joy
Into this black void.
Oblivion;
It's the place to be.
Ephemeral Romance.
Will you come with me?




i want to be

BEAUTIFUL

inside