MORBID mind :: The world is as ugly as it is beautiful.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'd rather make mistakes now than six months later

I don't know what exactly to say. But one thing's for sure, today for my English MYE, it did not go well.

I can name every single FATAL error I did:

Paper1: Instructions "write a letter ... write a letter..."
What did I do? I thought of writing a formal letter, but I didn't. I wrote a freaking report. It's not even a proposal, I wrote a freaking report. There goes the ten marks allocated for task-fulfillment because I used the wrong format... Should have been a formal letter... but why would you send a formal letter to your own school?! Sighh... but the fun doesn't stop there.

Paper2: Summary question required separation of points of advantages and limitations...
What amazing thing did I do? I didn't. Even when I fully knew well that the summary question required the separation of points of limitations from advantages I didn't do it, and the best part was I was deliberating whether I should or shouldn't at that time. And I don't know why, - when I knew the question so well - I didn't do what was required of it. So as of now, my summary is officially flushed down the drain, along with my confidence and what remaining hope I have for this MYE.

Everything after that was just anguish and dejection, pure regret and a sinking feeling in my gut. I can only hope that my comprehension and my composition would be able to enable me a pass... But even I'm not so confident in them. I've deteriorated and degraded in my English skills all right. And it makes me want to scoff more at the good things people say about me.

Maybe I should mention something. I had a heart-to-heart session with Mrs Rupesh on Monday, the 27th... It was cruel, how she skipped so many people just to talk to me, especially when I don't deserve it, when there are others who need someone to talk to more than I and when people haven't even had a single heart-to-heart session with her yet.

What she said to me wasn't all sugar and candy-coated marshmellows as well. I can say for sure she meant for me to be motivated to study, but what she did was place more pressure on me. Why? She told me people looked up to me, that they respected me, that people admired me because I had so many CCAs and I was still able to be consistent in my work and tests. And though it boosted my self-esteem (I was VERY unconvinced at first) for a tiny while, it made me sad after that. Because people expect something of me. Teachers expect something of me. They want me to excel, and because I was so busy at the start of the year, I've not been performing as well as I should be.

How well should I be performing? You tell me.

HOW CAN I MEET THEIR EXPECTATIONS WHEN I BARELY HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF MYSELF?! It's contradictory to what I say when all I expect of myself is to study hard and do my best and definitely NOT screw up. But look, I FREAKING SCREWED UP TODAY BIG TIME.

I'm getting frustrated and exasperated when I have no right to. When I have no REAL reason to. I don't know why, it feels as if I've just messed up big time for my O Levels'... And it makes me feel better that it isn't, but this MYE still counts for me. And doing badly for this language paper that I want to excel in is just heartbreaking. I've failed myself. I've failed myself so badly. I wanted to do well in this language because my Chinese is not very good... But now... Now...

Sigh... I'm being emo again. Haha, stupid, silly little immature girl. Crying over every little mistake you make, you don't know what real pain is. Resilient you are not. You're so WEAK.

I need to sleep. I seriously need to sleep before I study for Chinese.

I'd rather make mistakes now and learn from them than make the mistake six months and cry over it, being helpless and all. But then I don't want to make mistakes at all, and I did.

Side note: ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR EXAMS, PEOPLE!

"I used to never dream but now I have nightmares. Will you save me from this darkness? Keep me surrounded, I hear you calling me. I need to feel you, to end my agony and wash it all away. Let me feel you reaching for me. I need to be, I need to be surrounded by you. Will it ever go away?"

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 4:25 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Emotions versus Brutal Logic

She felt unusually apathetic, curled up, lying on the floor in the dark corner. The soft glow from her brithday present (a teddy-bear-shaped lamp) was the only light source in the dark room, but its weak glow was threatened to be overwhelemed by the shadows. She studied it absentmindedly for a moment before her lips twisted into a confused and uncontrolled smile, laying her head back on the cold marble floor.

She forgot what she was thinking about again. She had lost all knowledge of how much time had passed since she laid on the floor, all awareness of her conscience, whether she had just awoken from a fitful doze or whether she had been laying there all the time, thinking, thinking, thinking - until she forgot what she thought about.

Her heavy eyelids slowly drooped before she rolled over to her other side, from facing the wall to facing the dark room on a whole. Her wooden table was in front of her, and the mountaineous pile of notes, textbooks and homework loomed over her, mocking and goading her. Come, study, study until you lose your mind, practice your maths sums and science questions, memorize all your humanities notes, it's only 3 stacks of worksheets, word-for-word. It's not hard, it's not hard, why are you still down there? Goofing off? Lazy? Unmotivated? Stressed? You say you're tired and you've studied hard enough... Like the idiot you are, full of excuses, they seemed to scream at her.

She closed her eyes and breathed in and out silently, feeling some sort of dark matter was growing in her chest, threatening to push her to her limits. Not another nervous breakdown, no, not another one. She won't have it. She had too many pain as she fidgeted on the floor. She opened her eyes. Far too many, already. Enough breakdowns to kill, literally. The fresh scars on her wrists and arms seared with and looked at the shiny piece of metal in the middle of the room, and recalled the anguish, the impulse, and the pain that came after it, and milliseconds later the soothing, pleasurable feeling of sinful relief washing over her. Pain was her pleasure, like it was her personal drug. And she would do whatever she could to feel it.

In the middle of the room laid a razor blade, stained with blood, some of the red life liquid smeared against the floor. The razor blade seemed to grin back menacingly at her, making her think of herself as a rape victim and the razor blade the serial rapist, having weakened her and taken advantage of her... and kissed the tender flesh on her arms and wrists, leaving her with open wounds.

he only difference was that she forced the razor blade on herself and flung it away.

She smiled grimly, feeling numbness spread through her body like infectious cancer. The feelings of anguish, of dejection, of defeat, of overwhelming, of impulsiveness, of failure were slowly exterminated from her body, leaving an empty shell filled with apathy. She curled up into a ball, and let her mind wander. She started thinking again.

______________________________

I feel so ... emotionless suddenly. Oh the wild and indecent imagination I have. I wonder if the O Level markers mind attempted suicide in a compo (if the title calls for it). Hmmm... Ah yes, don't bother about the meaningless text above... Just felt like writing what I THOUGHT of doing down, in third-person. It's like a memoir, except this never happened in my life.

Oh god, I spent my Friday wasting time and watching Futurama... Not one speck of homework has been touched, not one ounce of notes of any subject has been looked at nor read through. Advanced MYEs are next week. And here I am, 2:38 AM, still slacking and being lazy and shit and fuck and whatnot.

I really degraded from sec 1 to now. I just want to kill myself, don't I? Welp, good luck for me.

In retrospect in this apathetic mood, I suddenly see the ability to achieve high results in government-standardized exams in this flawed education system not so appealing after all... Sigh... But we're students, what else can we do? Mutiny? Rebel? Sigh... Time to slave again.

"Cry yourself to sleep night after night. My, oh my, baby, maybe tonight... Love, love, what about love? Teens, lost little teens, waiting for something to appear but they'll turn into machines. Riot, let's bring up a fight! Fight on through the night, cause I wanna taste some blood."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 1:51 AM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Saturday, April 18, 2009

H E A R T A T T A C K S

Beauty is ephemeral, pain is forever.

This quote from a JTHM comic really brings out what I experienced today... Or at least a few hours ago, when it was April 17th...

But to change this quote to fit my personal feelings would be:
The bliss and happiness was ephemeral, the depression and sadness was permanent.

Funny how this happens after almost every debate. Anyway, so it was the debate finals. And because of a (very interesting) writing workshop in school, we left late and got there late, round 7-ish I guess. Anyway, missed the Div III debate, entered the Jurong JC auditorium halfway through the Div II debate, barely paid attention through that.

Skipping forward to the prize presentation. Charlotte got 6th best speaker, I got 5th best speaker and Azira got 4th best speaker (tied with another person, so technically we're all one position down). OPSS was placed 3rd in the whole Div III debate (I think). The atmosphere was cheerful, we were all high and happy and seriously joyful and stuff. Then we went to collect our bags from Ms Soo's car before dumping them off at the canteen, where later we handed Berton the hoodie we got for him, with writings and stuff.

Nothing much happened after that. Was pretty... boring. I bought some coke from this vending machine and it tasted okay, until later it had a bad effect on my stomach, and I was becoming visibly sick, in more ways than one. It was like I drank rancid, spoilt coke and my stomach was churning after that, it made me feel hate. Hate in so many areas, and the worst part is I partially don't know what I felt hate about.

Anyway, with the sickness in my stomach, we (Zi Peng, ZQ, Anuar, Wei Zhe, Ian and me) went our separate ways from Azira, Charlotte and Berton. Headed down to Jurong Point to eat, rapping spontaneously to whatever song was playing in the TV in this bus. Ate at LJS... And the sick was still building up. It made me feel tried, exhausted, irritated, sick, angry, sad. I don't know why, it made me want to cry, like I was feeling stressed, like I was going through a nervous-breakdown.

... Maybe that coke had some depressing-enhancement drugs in it or something. I have high suspicions. >__> wtf.

Welp, I'm done being emo. It makes me want to cry and when I can't, I wallow in self-pity and "bleed" over all the stinging pain in my little, fragile, broken heart. 'Sides, I'm sure this little problem is nothing a little Screamo, post-hardcore, rock music can't cure. I'm feeling better listening to how people give others heart attacks [Sounds like violence - You give me heartattacks]

Anyway, if I want to cry, I can only cry because of the great time I had in debate. Rewind the clocks to two years ago, when it was the Sec 4 farewell, I saw how some councillors cried. Then last year, I saw some of my sec 4 seniors cry after their SCI. Why? Because they had a good time in the council, and they enjoyed their time there, and they were going to miss it. Same logic applies here to debate.

I had such a great time in debate. It helped us bond closer as friends and as a team, it really helped us in some studying aspects of our life, it made us meet other debaters (equally as interesting and eccentric as us [well, most of them]), it helped us meet Berton, who is seriously an awesome debate coach. It helped me grow more confident, more sure, more surprised of myself, how I can achieve potential I never thought I had, how it helped me realize sometimes I spent my days worried sick about nothing at all. This debate made me feel like I've accomplished something, and I have 2 trophies (5th best speaker, semi-finalist trophies) to prove what I did.

Yeah, the depression is definitely faded away. It's still there, but not so much now. I can finally breathe.

On the other hand, drama is over for now (MYEs) and debate's officially out of the picture. Stress starts to set in (I don't get stressed... these days I do more easily though) and academics are the main focus now... Sigh. But... it was worth it. It was well worth it.

I'll miss debate. I'll miss Berton. I'll miss the trainings and motivation. I'll miss the traumatic stress and meaningless assaults. I'll miss wasting Friday Nights being "trapped" in some classroom in a foreign school rebutting and debating. I'll miss the awesome times we had, and though it might not be as appreciated or affectionately felt for by the others as much as me... It's okay. Because Berton told me it was the experience that was important. He was right.

And I'll treasure this experience forever.

I want to thank:

THE DEBATING SHOETHROWERS; Azira, Charlotte, Zhi Qing} because we're sexy and we rocked this competition.

THE DEBATE SUPPOTERS; Harkiran, Wei Zhe, Anuar, Ian, Zi Peng & others} because you supported us and made us look sexy.

THE DEBATE COACH; Berton Lim} because without you, we wouldn't even have gotten anywhere this far.

so, T H A N K Y O U

I believe what you told me
I finally believe it
It's tragic how now when it's all gone I then realize it
But I won't cry because it's over
I'll smile because it happened

"I never thought the day would come, when we'd have to say goodbye. But now the time has come, as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Too tired of these lonely nights, I've lost everything that meant anything. You're still ringing in my ears , and in my dreams I've tried running but I can't escape from you in my memories. It's what kills me slowly, you kill me slowly with the way, I know you won't come back. And I regret everything I said. The city is so cold tonight. It's exactly what I feel inside. I only wish I could ask for one more chance."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 12:49 AM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

FO SHO HO

Something's wrong with my blogger template. Hopefully it's not permanent and the scheduled outage will fix it. Then gotta reupdate.

Well anyway, the drama SYF was awesome. As always, we had fun being stupid and camwhorish and giving our energy and was in way high spirits. Sure we made mistakes here and there, but it didn't matter, what does matter was that we were confident, we were proud, we had fun and we gave our absolute best.

We did awesome. We really did.

And now the results are due in two weeks time or so. And we await with reluctant patience.

But in other news, following Drama SYF tradition, we did a music video, dancing randomly to Wonder Girls "Nobody", and it was hilarious. We have real-life footage of mad-hell dancing and screaming and cheering. Just one of the beautiful memories captured on media to preserve the good times I had in this school.

WATCH US IN WONDER ACTION!
Other memories included the Shoethrowers writing wishes on balloons and releasing them into the air in the middle of the parade square, when the debaters had dinner picnic in the middle of the parade square, when we lost the semi-finals, when we threw our faces away and did stupid stuff in front of our classes and school on whole... All these memories weren't captured on media resources, but they were good and bad memories that I just want to remember.

Sometimes I wish our brains had a bigger capacity for storing memories, good and bad. Because when I look back in my life, I realize now how much beauty I missed.

What's up with my sudden awareness? I guess maybe it had something to do with today's final Drama practice before the MYEs. Ms Tan came back and debriefed us, making us pose in ways we feel which best show us when we meet obstacles, and later on transform into a pose which we best feel it shows us when we rid of this obstacle.

Azira copied my poses and showed me my transformation. It made me smile because I saw how I really looked like, I could almost feel the pain in the obstacle evaporate and be replaced by melancholic relief in the second pose. I saw the poses of others, and it made me wonder how they felt when they were in their obstacle poses as well.

After that, we sat in a circle and wrote down ONE negative aspect of us that we hated the most about ourselves on one side of the paper. On the other side, we passed out papers around in that circle, and each paper we received from another person, we were to write something positive about that person. We did this back in class, but somehow it didn't provide a much fulfilling emotion I got when I got back my paper and saw that there were real nice things the drama club people wrote about me. Perhaps because I'm closer to them... and to have them write out traits about me that I don't believe about myself... it was just a touching feeling.

Ms Tan explained in life we usually see that one negative aspect of ourselves, and it hinders us. But other people see out positive traits, and they love us regardless of imperfections. It's something thousands of people have said so before... But now this little activity made such a big difference. It made me feel good. Something I haven't been feeling about myself in a very long time.

It was an amazing experience being in the drama club, in this SYF. It made me learn things I was never really fully aware of. It was a truly treasurable, memorable, beautiful experience. I met the most greatest of people, I had the greatest time of my life, I had so much fun and never had that much passion and energy flow through my body, I shouldn't be saying this, but I had a much better time feeling "at home" in this CCA than I did in my previous one... And I don't regret my decision to join this wonderful, exclusive club, because just a year and four months in this CCA, I've never felt such an emotion before. You guys are like family to me, to know it'll never be a bad day on Wednesday, because there would be CCA. Drama. And hilarity, insanity and all-round happiness would ensure. I can't express myself in words, but after all we've been through, all I feel like doing is hugging each and everyone of you. And applauding each and everyone of you.

We just did brilliant.

I want to thank the drama people, for the craziness, the awesomeness, the support.
I want to thank the teachers for bearing with our crap.
I want to thank Ms Adelynn Tan, who helped me so, so many times.

This day... is amazing.

But now I got homework. And tomorrow mock lit exam. Oh sheez, I screwed. FO SHO HO!

"Monkey see, monkey do, now you're all alone. We're killing ourselves in vain and moving slow. So stop me if I sound too predictable. Misery's a mask that's worn by most. I never used to feel so sick and tired. I remember when we used to stay high for hours. One minute it's here, and then it's gone. Will somebody wake up? Will somebody wake up, will somebody wake me up? Will someone please wake me up? Will somebody wake up, will somebody wake me up?"

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 9:13 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

you take me away

I'm not feeling paricularly emo right now, nor do I feel like dampening anyone's spirits or anything. It's something that lingered in the back my mind, I was conscious of it there, but now I'm only aware of it.

We're sec 4s for one. It's our last year in OPSS. It's April already. MYE's are next month. Our CCAs are on the brink / edge / precipice of stepping down. It's not going to be very long until our O Levels'. Then what? JC? Poly?

Now's not a very good time to actually slow down and think back in my secondary school life. But it's been really awesome, I was actually focused on my studies, I learnt more about myself and I made some great friends who I will never forget. Crazy shit happened, tragedy struck, we've had our shares of triumphs and anguish, and I faced them with my awesome friends.

Even if we're no where near the end, or even starting into the middle, I can say I've had a pretty good time.

Why? Cause the Drama Club's SYF is in two days. After that, there'll probably no more drama (though we can still drop by and terrorize the juniors), and I won't get to see Ms Adelynn Tan anymore. Then the Debate finals are in Friday, where we'll receive our prizes and probably no longer see Berton anymore, nor might we ever get the chance to debate ever again. Then Student Council Investiture in a few months... when we step down from council... It's something we all kind of look forward to when we think of the time we desperately need to study for our O's, but during that moment, it's something that you wish that would never end. And when it's over, you can't help but feel something's missing.

Maybe I'm digressing. I don't know.

But one thing's for sure. I'm gonna miss it. For sure.

I hope I can make the best out of everything now, and maybe later on, I won't feel so sad or remorseful over these experiences anymore. I won't regret anything, I don't want to. : )

Welp, anyway, back to track about my study life. Physics homework not done, I don't understand anything ANYTHING about electricity. Lit, SS, History, Chem not studied, like I planned to for this long weekend. >__> English test tomorrow, unsure about format. Yup... This sure is a bad, bad, baaaaaaaaaaad sign.

Oh damn.

"Crying out loud for someone to save you. Numb to everything in life, I've been dead to you for way too long. You take me away, away. Now you're bringing me back to life, back to life. Here we are, buried under our lives in a world, oh so cold. Frozen in a moment, just close your eyes. Life was all a dream, so put me to sleep. I'll follow the blood, to you, my God. Bring this puzzle back, back to life. I've been dead to you for way too long."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 8:39 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The SWEETEST sixteen

So today was my sweet 16.

And I gotta say, for what my friends did for me, it REALLY was my sweet 16.

Started out the day doing non-important stuff as always. Left house at 12.30-ish, was delayed by rain and headed down to AMK hub, where I got picked up by Azira. First thing I noticed was that Charlotte was wearing a dress. Something's up, I realized.

Then when they led me to the outside of AMK, towards the fire escape, I figured something was up. And I got the best surprise when I saw CHARLOTTE, ZHI QING, ANUAR, WEI ZHE, NAZRY, AZIRA and JASON standing at the fire escape door, and Wei Zhe was coming at me with a cake, telling me to hurry up and blow out the candle before it died. So yeah.

To tell the truth, I was not surprised and I was surprised. I knew something was up, but I didn't know what. And to see all this effort and energy all channeled into this birthday surprise really got to me, it really lifted my spirits.

Thanks guys. It means a lot. REALLY.

Anyway, so we hung around and laughed and walked around before heading back down to Yishun to eat at Swensens'. The fun part was that my camera ran out of battery, but lucky Azira was there with her trusty camera to take pics of me turning 16 at exactly 15:16 hrs.

Anyway, had chicken baked rice, ate, laughed, forked out crazy money for the crazy bill then almost everyone went back home, except Zhi Qing, Ian, Wei Zhe and I, who trained down to Orchard to buy Zhi Qing's book. Once we got down to Orchard, we went hunting for Apphia, almost through the point we would have split up and ran around Orchard Road screaming for her.

Found her at Mango @ Isetan, and chatted with her (and her grandaunt) for a while before going down to Borders and almost demolishing the place with our weird antics... Then finally retired home, and facebooked a lot.

Haha. This surely was a seriously awesome day. The best birthday I've had for my whole life of 16 years, because I celebrated it and it was celebrated by my awesome friends. : ]

Thank you guys so much. Now wait for your turn to be 16, it'll be worth the wait. TRUST ME.

And to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, thank you too. : ]

"So hard when you’re far away. It’s lame but I forgot the date. I won’t make the same mistake. I’m so to blame, so now you know. Don’t hang up the phone, I wish I was at home. I know its way too late, but Happy Birthday."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 7:40 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

Saturday, April 4, 2009

gives you hell

Warning: Emo Content ahead. Unless you don't feel like reading about someone who just felt intense pain after a very long time of stopping from breaking down, then I suggest you don't read what's below.

Well, we lost the semis. For one. Irony was we didn't exactly feel anything, heck we almost felt apathetic and welcomed the defeat. But when they announced it went to the opposition, I felt something painful in my chest, but was quickly concealed by graciousness and happiness for the winner of the debate. Congrats to Jurong Sec, and all the best for your finals.

I gotta say, the second speaker asked to hug me... Dude, she must have been ELATED that she won best speaker. Good for her, tears of joy.

On the other hand, we saw tears of anguish, and coming from a person who we thought we'd never see cry. It hurt me. Yes, it hurt me. Because to know that this person had poured out the heart and soul into this debate thing, and to see us fall short within winning [3-2 split]... it was seriously disappointing and painful. To everyone of us, but we didn't let it show. They say it's the effort and that we did our best, if they say that then why do we feel like it doesn't actually matter?

And later on, we were okay. Least we seemed okay. And the way we handed it was surprisingly cool, like we didn't win neither did we lose. But on my way back home alone, whilst walking, I started crying. Just starting weeping. Weeping for the whole of 15 or more minutes that I walked. I didn't know why I was crying, maybe because I just really had a passion for debating that this defeat really got to me. That one debate we lost didn't seem so important, and for now that our hopes were dashed. But I can say for sure, this is a real blow to me. When we lost that one debate... and it reminds me of the softball matches that we sometimes lost... it was disheartening, but this very one losing of debate really made me feel so depressed and pained that I cried.

By now, people be'd telling me that it's not the end of the world and I should just get over it. I know, I will... But I'd rather be some emo poser right now and weep out all my feelings. Hah.

Well, it gives me something to type about for sure.

... I still feel so depressed. And it makes me wonder if I was the only one who actually truly cared about all this. I'm sorry, I just wanted to win so badly, even thought winning should have been the last thing on our mind.

Anyway, since this in fact did become our last debate, I think I should pretty much say something that I didn't get to say:

CHARLOTTE. Thanks for helping me with the clashes and writing out rebuttals. Thanks for the insane and inane comic relief that puts us out of our stress and misery. You're an awesome 2nd speaker and 3rd speaker.

AZIRA. You proved to be Army Mom today. Thanks for leading us on track and keeping us on track, thanks for helping us get into the "debate-mode" and ensuring we didn't goof off (minus the search for the hidden camera - now that was the fun part). You are an amazing rebuttal writer and debator.

ZHI QING. Not bad for a 1st speaker for two debates eh? Your style is awesome. Thanks for helping me with my substantives today, and the previous time-keeping. Thanks for the encouragement after today. And yes, I felt you thrashed the diva. THRASH.

HARKIRAN. Even though you didn't get to speak, you were still part of the team. And we needed you. You provided us with encouragement and positive outlook before our debate, and it seriously pushed us forward. Thanks for all the help.

BERTON. Best and only debate coach ever. You pushed and pulled me, and stretched me. But it proved to be the best, I saw improvement in myself with your constant coaching. You raised a team of ordinary people (just me actually) to grow so much potential and it helped us reach this far. I learnt to get rid of unwanted tension, needless pressure, thanks to your advice. So thank you so much. Really, we wouldn't be here without you.

SUPPORTERS. Thanks for the comic relief, the insanity, the jokes, the dancing, the music and the all-around retardism. It encouraged us and kept us going, so really, thanks you noisy lil' cheerleaders.

But now, focus on studies and tests and school and DRAMA SYF I guess. This Sunday's my birthday... but for now I don't feel so happy over it. Just for now.

It wasn't the best time to tell you

but "okay" that's what you said

You're right, it is the experience that counts

Just never thought liking you be'd one of them

I'll miss you for sure

"Dreams of his crash won’t pass, oh how they all adored him. Beauty will last when spiraled down. The stars that mystifed, he left them all behind. And how his children cried, he left us all behind. Hey, Miss Murder, can I? Hey, Miss Murder, can I? Make beauty stay if I take my life? Whoa oh oh."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 12:29 AM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."