I don't know what exactly to say. But one thing's for sure, today for my English MYE, it did not go well.

I can name every single FATAL error I did:

Paper1: Instructions "write a letter ... write a letter..."
What did I do? I thought of writing a formal letter, but I didn't. I wrote a freaking report. It's not even a proposal, I wrote a freaking report. There goes the ten marks allocated for task-fulfillment because I used the wrong format... Should have been a formal letter... but why would you send a formal letter to your own school?! Sighh... but the fun doesn't stop there.

Paper2: Summary question required separation of points of advantages and limitations...
What amazing thing did I do? I didn't. Even when I fully knew well that the summary question required the separation of points of limitations from advantages I didn't do it, and the best part was I was deliberating whether I should or shouldn't at that time. And I don't know why, - when I knew the question so well - I didn't do what was required of it. So as of now, my summary is officially flushed down the drain, along with my confidence and what remaining hope I have for this MYE.

Everything after that was just anguish and dejection, pure regret and a sinking feeling in my gut. I can only hope that my comprehension and my composition would be able to enable me a pass... But even I'm not so confident in them. I've deteriorated and degraded in my English skills all right. And it makes me want to scoff more at the good things people say about me.

Maybe I should mention something. I had a heart-to-heart session with Mrs Rupesh on Monday, the 27th... It was cruel, how she skipped so many people just to talk to me, especially when I don't deserve it, when there are others who need someone to talk to more than I and when people haven't even had a single heart-to-heart session with her yet.

What she said to me wasn't all sugar and candy-coated marshmellows as well. I can say for sure she meant for me to be motivated to study, but what she did was place more pressure on me. Why? She told me people looked up to me, that they respected me, that people admired me because I had so many CCAs and I was still able to be consistent in my work and tests. And though it boosted my self-esteem (I was VERY unconvinced at first) for a tiny while, it made me sad after that. Because people expect something of me. Teachers expect something of me. They want me to excel, and because I was so busy at the start of the year, I've not been performing as well as I should be.

How well should I be performing? You tell me.

HOW CAN I MEET THEIR EXPECTATIONS WHEN I BARELY HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF MYSELF?! It's contradictory to what I say when all I expect of myself is to study hard and do my best and definitely NOT screw up. But look, I FREAKING SCREWED UP TODAY BIG TIME.

I'm getting frustrated and exasperated when I have no right to. When I have no REAL reason to. I don't know why, it feels as if I've just messed up big time for my O Levels'... And it makes me feel better that it isn't, but this MYE still counts for me. And doing badly for this language paper that I want to excel in is just heartbreaking. I've failed myself. I've failed myself so badly. I wanted to do well in this language because my Chinese is not very good... But now... Now...

Sigh... I'm being emo again. Haha, stupid, silly little immature girl. Crying over every little mistake you make, you don't know what real pain is. Resilient you are not. You're so WEAK.

I need to sleep. I seriously need to sleep before I study for Chinese.

I'd rather make mistakes now and learn from them than make the mistake six months and cry over it, being helpless and all. But then I don't want to make mistakes at all, and I did.



- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 4:25 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

"Singing songs that make you slit your wrists,
It isn't that much fun..."

M N. 5th of the April. 17. Singapore. Female. Facebook. Tumblr.

Ex-Chongfu Primary. / Ex-CHAS.
Graduated Orchid Park Secondary:
Ex-Drama. Ex-Debater. Ex-Student Councillor. Ex-1A3-ian. Once-and-forever-2A3-ian. Ex-3A1-ian. Ex-PROUD-4A1-ian.

NGEE ANN FMS MCM [mass comm] T107/T102. RADIOHEATWAVE.COM Radio DJ. STAGE 52.

IN A RELATIONSHIP ♥

FYI, I quote a LOT of lyrics.

NOT emo, just tends to be more depressed than I'd like.
NOT a rocker, but loves to rock out.
NOT so sure i know who i am.
SUFFERS from Dermatillomania
a passionate LOVE for the colour RED
& PROUD TO BE A freak. Are you?

1. Love myself.
2. Self-Acceptance.
3. Eradicate insecurities.
4. Not to care.
5. Work hard in school.
6. Start over.
7. Take it slow.
8. Keep promises.
9. GPA >3.8 [yr 1.2,1.1,2.2,2.1,3.2]
10. To be MISERABLE and HAPPY.


"If it's not enough, try again. And again. Over and over again."

[[ WaNTS && WiSHES ]]

(1) Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
(2) 30STM - This Is War
(3) New Headphones
(4) Those new JEANS
(5) A Teenage Dream

Alex. :)♥ (my bumbling idiot)

HUTTSON My poopoo DOGGIE. ♥♥♥

BANDS :: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Placebo. Marilyn Manson. 30 Seconds to Mars. Avenged Sevenfold. Linkin Park. Gorillaz. The Blackout. The Academy Is... Fall Out Boy. Bullet For My Valentine. Before Their Eyes. Lady Gaga. Just to name a VERY few...

HEROES :: GERARD WAY. TDK Joker. Jared Leto. Brian Molko. Draco Malfoy. 2D. Gerard Way. ♥ XD

Dilemmas.
The conflict.
Inner conflict.
Prejudiced people.
BUGS.

2A3-ians ♥ We Rock. Like Hell.
3/4A1-ians Over speed limit :D
Shoethrowers ♥ FAMILY
Apphia! :D :D :D Hee.
Azira A-zi-zi-ziraaaa! ♥ xD
Elizabeth ♥!
Elva VaVa :D
Farhan
Gavin
Isabelle
Jessica :D :D :D
Joanne ♥ XD
Joel is a legend!
Kenn Ninjaboy :D
Keng Ying CUZZIN! :D
Li Qing :DDD!
Matin! :D So cuute!
Nazry BiTCH!♥
Pearlyn So cute. :D
Rui Shuin Mah Couzin :D
Safwah rocks hardcore! :D ♥
Samuel ... Moo. :D ♥
Sarah BestFriend WALRUS ♥♥♥
Sheereen :DDD She cool yo!
Shi Wei :D:D:D So rad!
Si Ying, Tan rroooccckksss. :]
Si Ying, Yeh :D
Su Min She rocks!
Su Yuan :]

"Well you can hide a lot about yourself,
But honey, what're you gonna do?
And you can sleep in a coffin,
But the past ain't through with you."

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I'm nothing but a beautiful disaster,
Crying tears of blood and joy
Into this black void.
Oblivion;
It's the place to be.
Ephemeral Romance.
Will you come with me?




i want to be

BEAUTIFUL

inside