Saturday, April 18, 2009
H E A R T A T T A C K S
Beauty is ephemeral, pain is forever.
This quote from a JTHM comic really brings out what I experienced today... Or at least a few hours ago, when it was April 17th...
But to change this quote to fit my personal feelings would be:
The bliss and happiness was ephemeral, the depression and sadness was permanent.
Funny how this happens after almost every debate. Anyway, so it was the debate finals. And because of a (very interesting) writing workshop in school, we left late and got there late, round 7-ish I guess. Anyway, missed the Div III debate, entered the Jurong JC auditorium halfway through the Div II debate, barely paid attention through that.
Skipping forward to the prize presentation. Charlotte got 6th best speaker, I got 5th best speaker and Azira got 4th best speaker (tied with another person, so technically we're all one position down). OPSS was placed 3rd in the whole Div III debate (I think). The atmosphere was cheerful, we were all high and happy and seriously joyful and stuff. Then we went to collect our bags from Ms Soo's car before dumping them off at the canteen, where later we handed Berton the hoodie we got for him, with writings and stuff.
Nothing much happened after that. Was pretty... boring. I bought some coke from this vending machine and it tasted okay, until later it had a bad effect on my stomach, and I was becoming visibly sick, in more ways than one. It was like I drank rancid, spoilt coke and my stomach was churning after that, it made me feel hate. Hate in so many areas, and the worst part is I partially don't know what I felt hate about.
Anyway, with the sickness in my stomach, we (Zi Peng, ZQ, Anuar, Wei Zhe, Ian and me) went our separate ways from Azira, Charlotte and Berton. Headed down to Jurong Point to eat, rapping spontaneously to whatever song was playing in the TV in this bus. Ate at LJS... And the sick was still building up. It made me feel tried, exhausted, irritated, sick, angry, sad. I don't know why, it made me want to cry, like I was feeling stressed, like I was going through a nervous-breakdown.
... Maybe that coke had some depressing-enhancement drugs in it or something. I have high suspicions. >__> wtf.
Welp, I'm done being emo. It makes me want to cry and when I can't, I wallow in self-pity and "bleed" over all the stinging pain in my little, fragile, broken heart. 'Sides, I'm sure this little problem is nothing a little Screamo, post-hardcore, rock music can't cure. I'm feeling better listening to how people give others heart attacks [Sounds like violence - You give me heartattacks]
Anyway, if I want to cry, I can only cry because of the great time I had in debate. Rewind the clocks to two years ago, when it was the Sec 4 farewell, I saw how some councillors cried. Then last year, I saw some of my sec 4 seniors cry after their SCI. Why? Because they had a good time in the council, and they enjoyed their time there, and they were going to miss it. Same logic applies here to debate.
I had such a great time in debate. It helped us bond closer as friends and as a team, it really helped us in some studying aspects of our life, it made us meet other debaters (equally as interesting and eccentric as us [well, most of them]), it helped us meet Berton, who is seriously an awesome debate coach. It helped me grow more confident, more sure, more surprised of myself, how I can achieve potential I never thought I had, how it helped me realize sometimes I spent my days worried sick about nothing at all. This debate made me feel like I've accomplished something, and I have 2 trophies (5th best speaker, semi-finalist trophies) to prove what I did.
Yeah, the depression is definitely faded away. It's still there, but not so much now. I can finally breathe.
On the other hand, drama is over for now (MYEs) and debate's officially out of the picture. Stress starts to set in (I don't get stressed... these days I do more easily though) and academics are the main focus now... Sigh. But... it was worth it. It was well worth it.
I'll miss debate. I'll miss Berton. I'll miss the trainings and motivation. I'll miss the traumatic stress and meaningless assaults. I'll miss wasting Friday Nights being "trapped" in some classroom in a foreign school rebutting and debating. I'll miss the awesome times we had, and though it might not be as appreciated or affectionately felt for by the others as much as me... It's okay. Because Berton told me it was the experience that was important. He was right.
And I'll treasure this experience forever.
I want to thank:
THE DEBATING SHOETHROWERS; Azira, Charlotte, Zhi Qing} because we're sexy and we rocked this competition.
THE DEBATE SUPPOTERS; Harkiran, Wei Zhe, Anuar, Ian, Zi Peng & others} because you supported us and made us look sexy.
THE DEBATE COACH; Berton Lim} because without you, we wouldn't even have gotten anywhere this far.
so, T H A N K Y O U
I believe what you told me
I finally believe it
It's tragic how now when it's all gone I then realize it
But I won't cry because it's over
I'll smile because it happened
"I never thought the day would come, when we'd have to say goodbye. But now the time has come, as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Too tired of these lonely nights, I've lost everything that meant anything. You're still ringing in my ears , and in my dreams I've tried running but I can't escape from you in my memories. It's what kills me slowly, you kill me slowly with the way, I know you won't come back. And I regret everything I said. The city is so cold tonight. It's exactly what I feel inside. I only wish I could ask for one more chance."
- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -
a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 12:49 AM
"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."
!EMO in the SCENE!
M N. 5th of the April. 17. Singapore. Female.
Facebook.
Tumblr.
Ex-Chongfu Primary. / Ex-CHAS.
Graduated Orchid Park Secondary:
Ex-Drama. Ex-Debater. Ex-Student Councillor. Ex-1A3-ian. Once-and-forever-2A3-ian. Ex-3A1-ian. Ex-PROUD-4A1-ian.
NGEE ANN FMS MCM [mass comm] T107/T102. RADIOHEATWAVE.COM Radio DJ. STAGE 52.
IN A RELATIONSHIP ♥
FYI, I quote a LOT of lyrics.
NOT emo, just
tends to be more depressed than I'd like.
NOT a rocker, but loves to
rock out.
NOT so sure
i know who i am.
SUFFERS from
Dermatillomania
a passionate LOVE for the colour
RED
& PROUD TO BE A
freak. Are you?
RECHERCHE.
1. Love myself.
2. Self-Acceptance.
3. Eradicate insecurities.
4. Not to care.
5. Work hard in school.
6. Start over.
7. Take it slow.
8. Keep promises.
9. GPA >3.8 [yr
1.2,1.1,2.2,2.1,3.2]
10. To be MISERABLE and HAPPY.
"If it's not enough, try again. And again. Over and over again."
student ORGANIZER.
[[ WaNTS && WiSHES ]]
(1) Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
(2)
30STM - This Is War
(3) New Headphones
(4)
Those new JEANS
(5)
A Teenage Dream
ROMANCE.
Alex. :)♥ (my bumbling idiot)
HUTTSON My poopoo DOGGIE. ♥♥♥
BANDS :: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Placebo. Marilyn Manson. 30 Seconds to Mars. Avenged Sevenfold. Linkin Park. Gorillaz. The Blackout. The Academy Is... Fall Out Boy. Bullet For My Valentine. Before Their Eyes. Lady Gaga. Just to name a VERY few...
HEROES :: GERARD WAY. TDK Joker. Jared Leto. Brian Molko. Draco Malfoy. 2D. Gerard Way. ♥ XD
HATRED.
Dilemmas.
The conflict.
Inner conflict.
Prejudiced people.
BUGS.
SCREAMO!
party with the ROCKSTARS!
2A3-ians ♥ We Rock. Like Hell.
3/4A1-ians Over speed limit :D
Shoethrowers ♥ FAMILY
Apphia! :D :D :D Hee.
Azira A-zi-zi-ziraaaa! ♥ xD
Elizabeth ♥!
Elva VaVa :D
Farhan
Gavin
Isabelle
Jessica :D :D :D
Joanne ♥ XD
Joel is a legend!
Kenn Ninjaboy :D
Keng Ying CUZZIN! :D
Li Qing :DDD!
Matin! :D So cuute!
Nazry BiTCH!♥
Pearlyn So cute. :D
Rui Shuin Mah Couzin :D
Safwah rocks hardcore! :D ♥
Samuel ... Moo. :D ♥
Sarah BestFriend WALRUS ♥♥♥
Sheereen :DDD She cool yo!
Shi Wei :D:D:D So rad!
Si Ying, Tan rroooccckksss. :]
Si Ying, Yeh :D
Su Min She rocks!
Su Yuan :]
past CONCERTS.
"Well you can hide a lot about yourself,
But honey, what're you gonna do?
And you can sleep in a coffin,
But the past ain't through with you."
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
May 2010
August 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
March 2011
May 2011
standing OVATION.
Layout:
x
Image: Beyrout
i am the MORBID MIND.
I'm nothing but a beautiful disaster,
Crying tears of blood and joy
Into this black void.
Oblivion;
It's the place to be.
Ephemeral Romance.
Will you come with me?
i want to be
BEAUTIFUL
inside
