She felt unusually apathetic, curled up, lying on the floor in the dark corner. The soft glow from her brithday present (a teddy-bear-shaped lamp) was the only light source in the dark room, but its weak glow was threatened to be overwhelemed by the shadows. She studied it absentmindedly for a moment before her lips twisted into a confused and uncontrolled smile, laying her head back on the cold marble floor.

She forgot what she was thinking about again. She had lost all knowledge of how much time had passed since she laid on the floor, all awareness of her conscience, whether she had just awoken from a fitful doze or whether she had been laying there all the time, thinking, thinking, thinking - until she forgot what she thought about.

Her heavy eyelids slowly drooped before she rolled over to her other side, from facing the wall to facing the dark room on a whole. Her wooden table was in front of her, and the mountaineous pile of notes, textbooks and homework loomed over her, mocking and goading her. Come, study, study until you lose your mind, practice your maths sums and science questions, memorize all your humanities notes, it's only 3 stacks of worksheets, word-for-word. It's not hard, it's not hard, why are you still down there? Goofing off? Lazy? Unmotivated? Stressed? You say you're tired and you've studied hard enough... Like the idiot you are, full of excuses, they seemed to scream at her.

She closed her eyes and breathed in and out silently, feeling some sort of dark matter was growing in her chest, threatening to push her to her limits. Not another nervous breakdown, no, not another one. She won't have it. She had too many pain as she fidgeted on the floor. She opened her eyes. Far too many, already. Enough breakdowns to kill, literally. The fresh scars on her wrists and arms seared with and looked at the shiny piece of metal in the middle of the room, and recalled the anguish, the impulse, and the pain that came after it, and milliseconds later the soothing, pleasurable feeling of sinful relief washing over her. Pain was her pleasure, like it was her personal drug. And she would do whatever she could to feel it.

In the middle of the room laid a razor blade, stained with blood, some of the red life liquid smeared against the floor. The razor blade seemed to grin back menacingly at her, making her think of herself as a rape victim and the razor blade the serial rapist, having weakened her and taken advantage of her... and kissed the tender flesh on her arms and wrists, leaving her with open wounds.

he only difference was that she forced the razor blade on herself and flung it away.

She smiled grimly, feeling numbness spread through her body like infectious cancer. The feelings of anguish, of dejection, of defeat, of overwhelming, of impulsiveness, of failure were slowly exterminated from her body, leaving an empty shell filled with apathy. She curled up into a ball, and let her mind wander. She started thinking again.

______________________________

I feel so ... emotionless suddenly. Oh the wild and indecent imagination I have. I wonder if the O Level markers mind attempted suicide in a compo (if the title calls for it). Hmmm... Ah yes, don't bother about the meaningless text above... Just felt like writing what I THOUGHT of doing down, in third-person. It's like a memoir, except this never happened in my life.

Oh god, I spent my Friday wasting time and watching Futurama... Not one speck of homework has been touched, not one ounce of notes of any subject has been looked at nor read through. Advanced MYEs are next week. And here I am, 2:38 AM, still slacking and being lazy and shit and fuck and whatnot.

I really degraded from sec 1 to now. I just want to kill myself, don't I? Welp, good luck for me.

In retrospect in this apathetic mood, I suddenly see the ability to achieve high results in government-standardized exams in this flawed education system not so appealing after all... Sigh... But we're students, what else can we do? Mutiny? Rebel? Sigh... Time to slave again.

"Cry yourself to sleep night after night. My, oh my, baby, maybe tonight... Love, love, what about love? Teens, lost little teens, waiting for something to appear but they'll turn into machines. Riot, let's bring up a fight! Fight on through the night, cause I wanna taste some blood."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 1:51 AM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

"Singing songs that make you slit your wrists,
It isn't that much fun..."

M N. 5th of the April. 17. Singapore. Female. Facebook. Tumblr.

Ex-Chongfu Primary. / Ex-CHAS.
Graduated Orchid Park Secondary:
Ex-Drama. Ex-Debater. Ex-Student Councillor. Ex-1A3-ian. Once-and-forever-2A3-ian. Ex-3A1-ian. Ex-PROUD-4A1-ian.

NGEE ANN FMS MCM [mass comm] T107/T102. RADIOHEATWAVE.COM Radio DJ. STAGE 52.

IN A RELATIONSHIP ♥

FYI, I quote a LOT of lyrics.

NOT emo, just tends to be more depressed than I'd like.
NOT a rocker, but loves to rock out.
NOT so sure i know who i am.
SUFFERS from Dermatillomania
a passionate LOVE for the colour RED
& PROUD TO BE A freak. Are you?

1. Love myself.
2. Self-Acceptance.
3. Eradicate insecurities.
4. Not to care.
5. Work hard in school.
6. Start over.
7. Take it slow.
8. Keep promises.
9. GPA >3.8 [yr 1.2,1.1,2.2,2.1,3.2]
10. To be MISERABLE and HAPPY.


"If it's not enough, try again. And again. Over and over again."

[[ WaNTS && WiSHES ]]

(1) Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
(2) 30STM - This Is War
(3) New Headphones
(4) Those new JEANS
(5) A Teenage Dream

Alex. :)♥ (my bumbling idiot)

HUTTSON My poopoo DOGGIE. ♥♥♥

BANDS :: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Placebo. Marilyn Manson. 30 Seconds to Mars. Avenged Sevenfold. Linkin Park. Gorillaz. The Blackout. The Academy Is... Fall Out Boy. Bullet For My Valentine. Before Their Eyes. Lady Gaga. Just to name a VERY few...

HEROES :: GERARD WAY. TDK Joker. Jared Leto. Brian Molko. Draco Malfoy. 2D. Gerard Way. ♥ XD

Dilemmas.
The conflict.
Inner conflict.
Prejudiced people.
BUGS.

2A3-ians ♥ We Rock. Like Hell.
3/4A1-ians Over speed limit :D
Shoethrowers ♥ FAMILY
Apphia! :D :D :D Hee.
Azira A-zi-zi-ziraaaa! ♥ xD
Elizabeth ♥!
Elva VaVa :D
Farhan
Gavin
Isabelle
Jessica :D :D :D
Joanne ♥ XD
Joel is a legend!
Kenn Ninjaboy :D
Keng Ying CUZZIN! :D
Li Qing :DDD!
Matin! :D So cuute!
Nazry BiTCH!♥
Pearlyn So cute. :D
Rui Shuin Mah Couzin :D
Safwah rocks hardcore! :D ♥
Samuel ... Moo. :D ♥
Sarah BestFriend WALRUS ♥♥♥
Sheereen :DDD She cool yo!
Shi Wei :D:D:D So rad!
Si Ying, Tan rroooccckksss. :]
Si Ying, Yeh :D
Su Min She rocks!
Su Yuan :]

"Well you can hide a lot about yourself,
But honey, what're you gonna do?
And you can sleep in a coffin,
But the past ain't through with you."

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Image: Beyrout

I'm nothing but a beautiful disaster,
Crying tears of blood and joy
Into this black void.
Oblivion;
It's the place to be.
Ephemeral Romance.
Will you come with me?




i want to be

BEAUTIFUL

inside