At the start of this year, I made a list.

I meant for this list to improve myself. To improve on all the negative qualities that I had: My temper, my self-control... Everything that was flawed. I should have written me.

But after getting scolded on Friday at the debate competition because I slacked off and didn't listen to the debate, but instead had poor audience skills and did something else... Something in me felt different.

For some reason, I couldn't accept that it was my fault. Though I knew it was, I couldn't bring myself to accept it. I thought it was her fault for scolding me, hence not being cheerful later when our debate team won... Something's snapped, something's different

Whether I'm being paranoid or something, I can't tell. I've gone through too much influence, I'm starting to become more unreasonable and intolerant... And the worst is I expect people to put up with my crap though I can't put up with theirs.

And later than I screamed at my mum when she kept on insisting I expect something from them. I broke down. I finally broke down.

After three years of intense pressure and resistence, I broke down. I cried. Hard. Now the skin on my shoulder bears scars. From the start of this year until now, I was ignorant, I felt as though I could handle the pressure of studies and new hardships.

I was wrong.

I broke down. I couldn't handle the pressure of getting scolded. I felt oppressed. I went overboard on my anger and felt oppressed and broke down. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to improve myself, but it's not working. The list that I wrote and focused on in order to help myself become a better person?

All those points:

- Be understanding.
- Let nature roll.
- Stop trying to interfere with Nature.
- Control my temper.
- Study hard.
- Don't stress out.
- Don't become lazy.
- Take it easy.
- Become less frustrated easily.
- Stop being a prick & bitch to people.
- Be Nicer. Friendlier. Better.
- Stop making enemies.

All those points... THOSE POINTS!

THEY'RE NOT WORKING!!!

And I don't know what to say or do to help myself. It's starting to become stressful and more intense, I don't know whether I can handle my emotions and juggle all these stressful things on my hands. Everything just seems so depressing and angry now. Heck, even my debate coach said it's my nature to be stressful, and I had to be the ignorant prick and refuse to believe it. I declined being it.

And now I realize how wrong I am.

I feel so heavy and down. And what was sadder was that yesterday I headed down to KK to visit the Childrens' Cancer Foundation with 3 others to present a cheque to them (profits from the Love Cookies Project) and I saw two sick kids. One was female and she was bald, while the other one had hair but he was pretty small-sized. So small-sized we mistook him for a primary school student, but he said he was secondary level.

It was upsetting. Unhappy and depressing. I could only feel like crying when I saw the drip linked up to the needle being inserted into their hand. It was heartbreaking. The atmosphere of that hospital was depressing.

And it made me wonder why it had to be so mean, unbalanced, unhappy and wrong in this world. I told myself to appreciate what I have after that visit, but now it just seems so useless.

What's wrong with me...? ... And why? Why did things have to be this way? How did it become this way?

"Some children died the other day. We fed machines and then we prayed. Puked up and down in morbid faith, you should have seen the ratings that day..."

- -8<- - - - WELCOME to the world of the PLASTIC BEACH - - - ->8- -

a DARK beach with a BLACK view ; it was 3:16 PM

"When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep. Drive on engines till they weep. With future pixels in factories far away."

"Singing songs that make you slit your wrists,
It isn't that much fun..."

M N. 5th of the April. 17. Singapore. Female. Facebook. Tumblr.

Ex-Chongfu Primary. / Ex-CHAS.
Graduated Orchid Park Secondary:
Ex-Drama. Ex-Debater. Ex-Student Councillor. Ex-1A3-ian. Once-and-forever-2A3-ian. Ex-3A1-ian. Ex-PROUD-4A1-ian.

NGEE ANN FMS MCM [mass comm] T107/T102. RADIOHEATWAVE.COM Radio DJ. STAGE 52.

IN A RELATIONSHIP ♥

FYI, I quote a LOT of lyrics.

NOT emo, just tends to be more depressed than I'd like.
NOT a rocker, but loves to rock out.
NOT so sure i know who i am.
SUFFERS from Dermatillomania
a passionate LOVE for the colour RED
& PROUD TO BE A freak. Are you?

1. Love myself.
2. Self-Acceptance.
3. Eradicate insecurities.
4. Not to care.
5. Work hard in school.
6. Start over.
7. Take it slow.
8. Keep promises.
9. GPA >3.8 [yr 1.2,1.1,2.2,2.1,3.2]
10. To be MISERABLE and HAPPY.


"If it's not enough, try again. And again. Over and over again."

[[ WaNTS && WiSHES ]]

(1) Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
(2) 30STM - This Is War
(3) New Headphones
(4) Those new JEANS
(5) A Teenage Dream

Alex. :)♥ (my bumbling idiot)

HUTTSON My poopoo DOGGIE. ♥♥♥

BANDS :: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Placebo. Marilyn Manson. 30 Seconds to Mars. Avenged Sevenfold. Linkin Park. Gorillaz. The Blackout. The Academy Is... Fall Out Boy. Bullet For My Valentine. Before Their Eyes. Lady Gaga. Just to name a VERY few...

HEROES :: GERARD WAY. TDK Joker. Jared Leto. Brian Molko. Draco Malfoy. 2D. Gerard Way. ♥ XD

Dilemmas.
The conflict.
Inner conflict.
Prejudiced people.
BUGS.

2A3-ians ♥ We Rock. Like Hell.
3/4A1-ians Over speed limit :D
Shoethrowers ♥ FAMILY
Apphia! :D :D :D Hee.
Azira A-zi-zi-ziraaaa! ♥ xD
Elizabeth ♥!
Elva VaVa :D
Farhan
Gavin
Isabelle
Jessica :D :D :D
Joanne ♥ XD
Joel is a legend!
Kenn Ninjaboy :D
Keng Ying CUZZIN! :D
Li Qing :DDD!
Matin! :D So cuute!
Nazry BiTCH!♥
Pearlyn So cute. :D
Rui Shuin Mah Couzin :D
Safwah rocks hardcore! :D ♥
Samuel ... Moo. :D ♥
Sarah BestFriend WALRUS ♥♥♥
Sheereen :DDD She cool yo!
Shi Wei :D:D:D So rad!
Si Ying, Tan rroooccckksss. :]
Si Ying, Yeh :D
Su Min She rocks!
Su Yuan :]

"Well you can hide a lot about yourself,
But honey, what're you gonna do?
And you can sleep in a coffin,
But the past ain't through with you."

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I'm nothing but a beautiful disaster,
Crying tears of blood and joy
Into this black void.
Oblivion;
It's the place to be.
Ephemeral Romance.
Will you come with me?




i want to be

BEAUTIFUL

inside